


a light in the dark

by aerials



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2018-09-26 23:09:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9928130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aerials/pseuds/aerials
Summary: There it was, the most familiar sounding voice and Philip felt like he was being thrown back to college again, near twenty and on the verge of the biggest breakup. Against his better judgement he turned, coming face to face with a now more grown-up-looking Lukas Waldenbeck, still as beautiful as he ever was. Philip's heart instantly drops to his feet.





	1. prologue

Philip isn't entirely sure when his life really began, most of the time he would pit it as the moment Helen & Gabe signed the adoption papers and took him into their home for good. It solidified his chances at a good life, their money being pooled into paying for college tuition in the Big Apple - well, photography majors weren't exactly cheap. Philip had felt a sense of being reborn following the grief of his mothers death, her murder, sure that was something he'd never get over but he wasn't about to tarnish her memory by drawing back into a recluse, she wouldn't have wanted that. No, Anne would have wanted him to live his dreams, to turn every bad situation he'd ever had on it's head and prove that he was better than all of it.

However, Philip would also say that those were some of the hardest years of his life. Not done so by Helen or Gabe, not even by Lukas - his ex - who had shown him love in it's purest form and at a stretch ripped his heart from his chest and stamped on it. He'd never forget the countless times that he stood by him, all while Lukas struggled with his sexuality and having feelings for Philip, he was right there with open arms and an open heart. He'll also never forget the good times, how Lukas had come into the light with the willingness to be with Philip in public, unabashedly in love but he'd never forget what that led to, either. Sometimes Philip visited the river just to breathe, to listen to the water and remind himself that he was better off now, Lukas a distant memory.

 

* * * * * * * * *

_"We need to talk," Came the all too shaky tone of Lukas' voice, his hands clenched into fists at his sides to keep them from trembling so uncontrollably. Even with his fingers curled so tight into his palms he could feel the slight twitches, each one matching the rapid fire heartbeat in his chest that was thrumming in his ears. Philip all the while was frozen, pretty sure that his heart had completely stopped. When college came and Lukas was faced with the reality that he would have to live an hour away from his boyfriend, it had been hard but it was an hour worth travelling into the city for each and every day. Until recently, since Lukas' last competition Philip had noticed a distance between them, of Lukas taking longer to answer texts or not answering his calls and even cancelling visits. He should have known something like this was coming._

_"I got picked up by this really amazing company, they want to sponsor me and take me to these huge national competitions. Out of state too, they think I can make it big with motorcross, Philip, like worldwide," Lukas continued but Philip said nothing and of course he was bursting with pride, despite the twisting in his stomach that pulled at him like knots were being formed with his insides. He couldn't say he was proud because he knew there was a but, he knew there was a condition to all of this and he was afraid of what it would be. "They said, for now, I should be straight. Get a good image around me to draw in fans and then, in the long run, maybe I can just be me."_

_"You're willing to sacrifice who you are for a sponsorship, who we are?" Philip asked so pointed and calm, his pupils darkened as he willed himself to stay composed, to not break down into a mess of tears. "After everything we've been through, you're really considering this?"_

_"It's a once in a lifetime opportunity, Philip," Lukas shoots back, his voice soft but filled with so much hope. He's not sure what he's hopeful of, maybe an understanding boyfriend who would be willing to shove himself back into the closet for an undisclosed time. Maybe just the hope that Philip won't be mad at him, that they can be friends through this and he'll be supportive, instead what he's met with is a shake of his head._

_"So were we," Philip uttered, voice broken, his whole demeanour beaten down and it showed in how he curled in on himself. Even when Lukas reached out to touch him, to explain, he cowered like he didn't know the man in front of him anymore. Really he didn't, he thought he had found the real Lukas the one who was open and honest and loved him. Philip had never really learned that Lukas was only out for himself._

* * * * * * * * *

At twenty-four, Philip has graduated with both his bachelors and masters degree, he has a job at an agency working with models and celebrities, he's making money that he can send back to Helen & Gabe - not that they need it of course but it's a gesture, a motion of good will that says, treat yourselves until I can get home and do it for you. At twenty-four, Philip is engaged to a city boy, someone who had it rough just like him, who made something of himself and isn't selfish. Someone who wouldn't sacrifice something sacred to get ahead - someone who isn't Lukas.

That's maybe why he goes down to the water so much to calm himself, why he can sit there for hours sometimes because if he's being honest, he never really stopped loving Lukas. Maybe following his progress as a rider didn't help, that blindly supporting the man who broke his heart probably had a hand in why a part of his heart will always belong to that blonde boy from Tivoli who put the sun back in his days and brightened his life for a little while. It's not like he hasn't tried to move on, he has so desperately, and James, the man he's planning to marry, is so perfect and so deserving of something more than Philip can offer. A broken boy half in love with someone who doesn't even know him anymore.

Pulling himself up from the worn bench he'd been perched on, Philip stretches out his aching limbs. He'd forgotten how long he'd been sitting, letting the winter chill nip at the tips of his ears and his nose. He pulls his beanie tighter over his head, covering the frozen red skin as he turns to walk away. Today wasn't really about Lukas, at least that's what he told himself. No, Philip had just grown accustomed to visiting the water so often that he almost liked the near daily visits he made, after all it was always so quiet usually, the wind there much too cold for most to sit by. Philip liked it, it always brought him back down to earth and helped to remind him that things were good. At least, he thought they were until he began to walk away from the water, the sound of it growing more distant with every step he took making voices all too clear.

"Philip?" There it was, the most familiar sounding voice and Philip felt like he was being thrown back to college again, near twenty and on the verge of the biggest breakup. Against his better judgement he turned, coming face to face with a now more grown-up-looking Lukas Waldenbeck, still as beautiful as he ever was. Philip's heart instantly drops to his feet. "I knew that was you!"


	2. 01

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His heart ached in his chest just like it had the day Lukas left, it was prominent and harsh like someone was squeezing his chest too tight. It could have been easy to breathe had he been able to go back to the water, if that wasn’t where Lukas had been when he’d seen him again but even that seemed tarnished now, that the river would remind him of the man he could not have, of the man who chose a sponsorship over his heart. The thought was all it took to make Philip crumble.

A dark and lonely apartment is all Philip is met with when he arrives home, not scented candles or the warm embrace of his fiancé who is cooking up something in the kitchen. He peers into the darkness, finding it ominous until he cracks open the door a little more, allowing the light from the hall to seep in and cast across the laminate, outlining his shadow against it. Philip thinks that the empty space of their apartment is too big and it makes him wish that James were with him. He always hated coming home before James.

Their shared space seemed so much more warm and homely with James’ presence evident from the second he stepped inside, a stark contrast to how Philip felt when he was alone there, like the walls were closing in on him. Things started to feel like that when Lukas left, he had no more distractions from his own thoughts and nobody to remind him that Ryan Kane was still dead and not out to get them, no matter how much his nightmares told him otherwise.

James had helped, staying up all hours before they had moved in together, receiving frantic phone calls from Philip who was too scared to leave his bed. In hindsight, Philip assumed that was why James asked him to move in so early, so that he wouldn’t have to make the drive to Philip’s shitty apartment and so that he could be right there, right away if the same thing were to happen in the future.

Philip kind of felt like that was exactly what he needed at that moment, to have James right there with him to tell him that everything was okay. That Lukas wasn’t having a single effect on him, even though his heart ached in his chest just like it had the day Lukas left, it was prominent and harsh like someone was squeezing his chest too tight. It could have been easy to breathe had he been able to go back to the water, if that wasn’t where Lukas had been when he’d seen him again but even that seemed tarnished now, that the river would remind him of the man he could not have, of the man who chose a sponsorship over his heart. The thought was all it took to make Philip crumble.

* * * * * * * * * *

_“I knew it was you, it’s been so long,” Lukas continues cooly, like there hasn’t been years of distance between them, like Lukas didn’t shatter Philip’s heart into pieces, like he wasn’t doing it all over again._

_Distinctly, the man before him was Lukas but Philip couldn’t help noticing the subtle changes in him. Even under his thick coat, Philip could see the definition in his arms and sure, he was still that same tall, skinny guy from high school but he’d added some muscle mass in training for his competitions. His hair was also better, no doubt thanks to a professional stylist, it was a little longer and there were less slightly darkened roots poking through from lack of care and now held a washed blonde shade that looked more natural than his hair ever did back in high school._

_Philip’s breath caught in his throat as his eyes trailed the length of Lukas’ body once more, coming to one simple conclusion as they snapped back up to lock with the others gaze: Lukas Waldenbeck was stunning and Philip was still, very much, madly in love with him._

_“Four years,” Philip commented, not that he’d been counting but it wasn’t difficult to recall the age he was then and to figure out the difference. Despite those years, Philip hadn’t changed a bit. It had been easy to keep his hair at moderately the same length, sometimes letting it get a little longer or making the mistake to visit a hairdresser he didn’t know, who cut it just that little too short once. He even dressed the same and had acquired a new leather jacket that he’d adorned with new patches that commemorated who he was, rather than his grandfather._

_“Wow, four years… You look good, Philip,” Lukas’ tone is sincere and Philip hates it, he hates how easy it is for Lukas to draw him back in with the simplicity of words and he hates that the instant they’re uttered, his stomach is turning with the sensation of butterflies all over again._

_“Yeah, you too,” Philip replies, hoping niceties will make this easier on him but it doesn’t, not at all. Not when Lukas smiles and dimples create small hollows in his cheeks, just like they always did, just like Philip always loved. It takes the grey skies and turns them blue, as if Philip is living in an alternate world where smiles can cure cancer and make flowers bloom. At least, Lukas’ can. “I gotta go, I have a bunch of photos to develop for a deadline tomorrow.”_

_It’s a lie of course, all of Philip’s assignments are typically on digital now and can be edited within quick succession of the photos being taken, he no longer has to bother with the painstaking work of full development in a dark room. Lukas, however, is none the wiser and doesn’t catch on that Philip just simply wants to leave, to get away from Lukas and from the water that no longer leaves him at ease._

_“You still doing photography? That’s so awesome, I knew you’d make it with that. You’re the best I know,” Lukas exclaims, like he wants everyone out by the river to know that Philip Shea is great at what he does because that’s just the kind of person Lukas is when he isn’t hiding in the closet. Philip, though, can’t help but be reminded of the first time they kissed, of being sat in a dimly lit cabin together and listening to Lukas pouring over how amazing he was at filming._

_Philip had thought he’d stripped that memory from his mind._

_“Here, take this,” Lukas adds, stepping too close for comfort like he did. Never really having a clear idea of what boundaries were between the two of them because, in all honesty, there never were any and Philip used to relish in feeling heat radiate off of Lukas when he was standing so close. Now it just makes Philip feel sick to his stomach, especially when their hands brush. Even through gloves, Philip feels like his skin is on fire, like he’ll surely be engulfed by it and it’ll be the inevitable cause of his demise and the feeling stays, like it’s anchored to him, when Lukas pulls back and the only physical thing that remains is a business card with Lukas’ number on it. “I’ll be out here a little while, it’d be cool to you know, catch up.”_

_“Sure.. Maybe,” Philip says abruptly, waving Lukas off with his free hand as he pushes the card into his pocket, making a hasty departure from the scene and pressing a hand to his chest to make sure he hasn’t left his heart behind._

* * * * * * * * * *

It’s 7:09 when James returns home to find Philip in deep concentration, staring at his laptop. At the side of him is a bottle of beer because old habits die hard and while James is more of a red wine person, Philip never really stopped enjoying the bitter taste of ale after a hard day. It’s been an hour or two since Philip had returned home from the river and in that time he had fallen apart and subsequently pieced himself together again. He’d taken a shower and even toyed with the idea of calling Lukas just to gain some closure but thought better of it, hiding the card away in his pocket again where he was sure he’d forget about it and opened his laptop to re-edit some work.

It was all a battle of clarity - not just in deciding whether 62 was enough to bring out the detail in his images or whether he should push it to 80 so it really stood out in a magazine spread - he knew all too well that calling Lukas was a lead down a rabbit hole that Philip would get lost in, one that would end in heartbreak all over again. He was happy, he had a great job, a great home and a great fiancé, what more could he want? He could ignore that gnawing part of him that ached for Lukas because in the grand scheme of things, this was better for him. His life as it was, was enough.

“I thought you’d finished all your edits at work the other day,” James says as he strides up behind Philip and places his hands on his shoulders, instantly pressing into them as to relieve some of the tension that had seemed evident on Philip’s features. Only the tension wasn’t caused by the frustrating decision of whether cool or warm tones looked better but more by the way Lukas had yet to flee his thoughts. And James knew, somewhat, of Lukas. Philip had severely downplayed their relationship when Lukas’ name first cropped up in conversation, as it was something he hadn’t wanted to rehash on a third date with a guy he was very much into and attempting to impress. Philip recalled Lukas being just a good friend and a motocross rider that had segued, somewhat, into modelling for sports gear and that Philip supported those endeavours from afar. That was all James needed to know.

“I wasn’t one hundred per cent happy with them, I miss the good old days when I could develop them in a dark room, the colours were always so much more rich no editing needed,” Philip explained and James laughs, it's makes Philip's heart feel full and his head feel light and instantly the tension begins to flow out of him. Craning his head back he is met with a new kind of smile, not one that causes dimples but one he adores nonetheless. James peers down and eyes Philip for a moment, who seems much more content than he had just a few moments prior. 

"What?" James asks, his curiosity getting the better of him and he watches Philip, who's eyes are soft but endless pools of mysteries and Philip just simply stares back, offering only a shake of his head. 

"I'm just happy you're home," Philip admits and that's enough, for the two of them, that mutual love and understanding that Philip is trying to convince himself isn't overshadowed by his lingering feelings for Lukas. Philip stands then, pressing a kiss to his fiancé's cheek as he moves to a draw of which has become home to many a takeout menu and Philip filters through them looking for his favourite, figuring that if anything is going to keep Lukas off of his mind it's going to be quality time with James and good food. "So, Chinese?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. This is a filler, I wanted you guys to get to know a little more about James before I flow into chapters that are heavily just Lukas and Philip because, obviously he'll be brought up. Including the next chapter which will, hopefully, come tomorrow.
> 
> 2\. James was just a random name I picked and now realise my mistake, he will be described in future chapters to avoid confusion. 
> 
> 3\. I'm not sure if there'll be flash backs in every chapter but I may incorporate some in future chapters if they're relevant, if there are any particular moments or head canons you'd like to see written out let me know (my twitter is @aerivls) and I will see how they could fit!


	3. 02

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Typically Noah is a gift of wisdom, a wise old owl ahead of his years, but on this one occasion, when he needs that certainty from advice, Philip is left more unsure than ever, tethered to a lover of old that Noah encourages closure with when he's not sure closure is what he really desires.

Despite living in various parts of New York his whole life, Philip will never get used to the harsh winters that batter the east coast every year, nor will he ever be used to the vast accumulation of snow that comes much too late for his liking. He often wonders if he’d be more content had he taken a position at the LA office of his agency, basking in eighty degree weather that left him with year-round sun kissed skin and the ability to wear cut offs in the middle of February.

Instead Philip stays and is faced with the damp reality of melting snow seeping into the crevices of his boot, soaking his foot and leaving it freezing for the remainder of the day. He is also faced with shoots that see him on the rooftop of a skyscraper, wind whipping at him wildly, at 11am, that continues on until at least 3 when he has become the human personification of an icicle, with hands so cold he can no longer press the shutter on his camera. Then he has to call a wrap, then he has to spend an hour, at least, packing everything up though his fingers are too numb to wrap the cords and succeeds in dropping them a few times before he finally just gathers it in a bundle and chucks it in a bag.

Philip is then left with a choice, a tough one he might add; he could return home to an empty apartment under the premise of a scolding hot shower, sure to bring him back to a normal human state until he is met with a flurry of his own thoughts, or he can stay out a little while longer, meet with a friend and find something that would warm him in ways a shower never could. Philip’s hand dives into the pocket of his leather jacket for his phone, it’s the last place he would keep his phone usually but he remembers a point in the day when his jean pocket, with such little breathing room, became too impractical for his frozen fingers to reach into.

Lifting his hand back into view, Philip notices something fall in his periphery. He notes the familiar red colour and suddenly his skin feels like it’s burning all over again and he wishes, so desperately, that he can put it down to frost bite and that what just fell isn’t what he thinks it is. However life doesn’t work that easy and Philip can’t just play things off when they pertain to Lukas, it’s almost frustrating to him how everything goes back to that boy from Tivoli. Philip lets his thumb run over the embossed numbers and something hits him, something that shakes him from head to toe and makes him realise that he can’t go home to a space that is barren, the kind that attracts bad thoughts like a disease. So Philip picks up his phone, frantically calling the one person who saw the fallout of Lukas leaving - his college roommate.

“Hey, Noah, I need you to meet me… Yeah, our usual place on 5th Ave in 10? It’s about Lukas.”

* * * * * * * * * *

The relationship that Philip had developed with Noah was a simple one, one that they had kept in harmony since college. They relied on one another, that much was apparent, but only when their worlds were caving in. Otherwise the pair were ghosts, floating out of each others lives like they simply didn’t exist and maybe that wouldn’t work for most, for those who’s friendships aren’t determined on an arrangement of pure convenience but Philip and Noah were more than happy with the way things were. There was no high maintenance, just someone to be there, who understood, when they were needed.

“I got here as soon as I could man, why the hell did I stay in New York? This place has the worst damn traffic,” Noah grunts as he drops into his seat and on cue, Philip slides a beer over to him. He hums appreciatively, lifting it to clink against Philip’s own bottle before he takes a long, needed gulp. “So Lukas, huh? Haven’t heard that name in a while.”

Philip laughs at the rather quick subject change and thanks all that is holy for Noah, who is very to the point and who keeps Philip from skirting around the issue. “He’s back.”

“What do you mean, he’s back. That’s so vague, what is he the terminator?” Noah shoots back and it’s easy, like they never left off from their last meeting and that was over three months ago. Back when Philip had last engaged in a big fight with James, that had threatened the very fabric of their relationship and led to a three day break. It’s funny, Philip thinks, how he can’t remember what that fight was about anymore and yet he can remember near every detail of every fight he ever had with Lukas. In fact, there’s not a single moment that he spent with Lukas that has fled his mind, after all this time.

“I don’t know, he’s in New York. For a while apparently, he gave me his card and told me to call,” Philip explains, at most confused by the whole thing. The last he knew, Lukas was living in California somewhere and enjoying the success of his motocross career, sure he followed it but only the wins and for now, the season was over. “I haven’t seen him since, you know… I don’t know what to do.”

“What does James think of all this?” Noah asks pointedly, directing the neck of his beer in Philip’s direction. All he receives in return is a shake of the head and Philip swallows thickly having not ever disclosed the truth to his hubby-to-be, the realisation of it hits Noah quickly of course and it prompts a gasp to erupt from within him as he leans closer. “He doesn’t know about Lukas, does he?”

“It never came up and now he’s out of town on business and Lukas is here and I’m trying to fight the urge to call him, like I’m back in high school again,” Philip admitted and in a way he kind of hated how Lukas could reduce him to this, to the helplessly in love seventeen year old that followed him around like a lost puppy even when Lukas would abandon him at the side of the road, unwanted. He told himself, all those times, that the good outweighed the bad and overall, as Philip sits there with his fingers in his pocket toying with the card, he recalls how good things really were between the two of them.

“Look, I’m probably going to regret saying this but closure is a good thing, right? That’s what you told me when I broke up with Stephanie,” Noah shrugged and Philip, all of a sudden so smug that the other had used past advice Philip had given, nudges his friend with an elbow.

“First of all, Stephanie broke up with you and she burned half of your record collection so maybe that wasn’t my best advice,” Philip laughs at the recollection, like something out of a bad sitcom and he’s sure that’s exactly where she got the idea from, beside him Noah just groans trying to stifle the memory with another swig from his bottle. “Lukas isn’t the record burning type, though so maybe you’re right.”

“Okay but don’t come looking for me if it falls apart, I might have held you when you cried through college but you have a fiancé for that shit now," Noah affirms, pulling a laugh out from deep within his gut and causing Philip to roll his eyes. Typically Noah is a gift of wisdom, a wise old owl ahead of his years, but on this one occasion, when he needs that certainty from advice, Philip is left more unsure than ever, tethered to a lover of old that Noah encourages closure with when he's not sure closure is what he really desires.

* * * * * * * * * *

Philip glances down at his cell, it’s officially been a week since he’d seen Lukas down by the water and he rouses that image of Lukas in his mind, with the wind catching his hair and whipping it into his face and the awkward way he tried to bat it away. Some things just never changed, he thought. There was a part of Philip that was teetering, still, on the idea of meeting with Lukas. Thinking that maybe he was gone already and that this whole ordeal would be over, that he could continue to block his feelings for the other and focus on his impending marriage to his fiancé.

Four years was a long time to hold on to feelings for someone and perhaps the reason Philip was still strung up on his first ever love was the fact he never got any closure after they broke up. After Philip walked away that day, it was like Lukas was just erased from his life. There was nothing but radio silence between the two of them and truly nothing was actually resolved regarding the sponsorship situation, Lukas had simply just decided that Philip was no longer worth chasing or that a sponsorship was worth more.

Anger flared within him as he looked down at his hands, knuckles bare white from clutching both his phone and the business card much too tightly. Maybe, just maybe, if he called Lukas he could give him a piece of his mind and he would neither see nor hear from the other again. Radio silence, just like four years ago and Philip wanted so much to be okay with that but part of him was still hanging onto the fact that Lukas was, in part, back in his life. Filling that void in his chest that had been vacant for quite some time and though currently it was filled with pain, Philip had decided that it was better to be filled with something than nothing but emptiness.

Against his better judgement, Philip unfurled his fingers to reveal the folded card within his hand, he pressed against it with the pad of his thumb until it fell into the space between his fingers where he could open it to see the number. Seeing it filled him with an overwhelming sense of dread, his whole body telling him not to make any sudden or irrational decisions and Philip suddenly hated how this one, simple, coincidence had flipped his whole entire world and stripped away that ordinary comfort he was used to leaving heartache and uncertainty in it’s wake.

Deep breaths, in and out, he repeated the action a few times as he unlocked his phone and moved to his text messages. Calling was a bad idea, calling Lukas left him vulnerable and at risk of breaking down, if he sent a text he had the time, before he saw the other, to completely collect himself.

**To Lukas**  
_Hey, it’s Philip. You said you wanted to catch up?_

Philip didn’t have to wait too long for a response, his phone buzzing mere moments after his initial text leaving him with little to no time to regret sending it at all.

**To Philip**  
_Philip! Are you free tonight? You can come over, I just ordered pizza._

* * * * * * * * * *

Really, it’s a horrible idea and yet Philip finds himself stepping out of a cab and into an apartment building 14 blocks from his own, ready to come face to face with Lukas Waldenbeck once again. Of course he's not really ready in the full sense of the word, he's nervous with his hands jittery and hiding in his pockets. He figures that Lukas is staying with a friend and that there’ll be other people present when he arrives, so he doesn’t worry about the consequences of visiting his ex, who he’s still technically in love with, not one bit.

That is he’s not concerned until Lukas answers the door, Lukas who is not hiding anything in his sweatpants and loose t-shirt combo. Where Philip can see, clear as day, the toned definition of his chest through the thin fabric where it hangs off of him and the way his arm flexes slightly as he moves the door further ajar to let him enough room to enter.

“Make yourself comfortable, do you want a beer? I have a few bottles left,” Lukas offers once the greetings are out of the way and Philip gives a shake of his head in return, thinking that alcohol is not the best idea when around Lukas. After all they never really did have a good track record while drinking alcohol together. “Help yourself to pizza, I got talked into getting a jumbo and I swear I’ll never wanna eat again after this. This thing is a monster.”

“Yeah, I’ll take a slice. Who’s place is this?” Philip asks suddenly, he’s been glancing around in search for other human life since he entered but instead all he can see is boxes and a too pristine looking home. Philip knows Lukas, despite the chores his dad would make him do, Lukas liked to live in some kind of organised chaos, one in which he could find what he needed but one that was far from neat. Lukas only laughs.

“It’s my place, yeah, I moved here. I got a new trainer and he’s from out in Poughkeepsie so I can train in Tivoli and live here,” Lukas explains, his voice raised slightly so that Philip can hear him from the kitchenette. He returns with one beer for himself, twisting off the cap as he goes. Philip feels all the colour drain from his face, like it’s a real physical manifestation of what light he had in him flowing out. Lukas lived in New York, the same city he had called home, with a very real chance that they would have to see one another more often and suddenly Lukas is sitting much too close, dropping down right beside him with their thighs touching and Philip jumps slightly at the shock that ripples through him, threatening to break his heart right out of his chest.

“It’s a cool place but the city, really? You always complained about the city; too crowded, not enough space for you to ride,” Philip reminisced as he shifted to the left slightly, creating some space between the two of them. He shook his head at how easy it was for him to pull up the little things that Lukas used to say, like it was just yesterday. In reality, both boys knew that Lukas only put up with the city because it was where Philip belonged, it was where he was most at ease, the bustle of the big apple with all it's noise was what comforted Philip and kept him distracted from his thoughts. Small towns were much too quiet, the kinds of places that could draw your secrets out without you uttering a word of them.

“I lived in San Fransisco for a while, like right in the city, I started to really love it and thought I’d give New York another try. I just forgot how damn cold it was in the winter,” Lukas laughed, leaning back in such a nonchalant fashion with his arm draped over the back of the couch, like Philip’s skin wasn’t marred with the years of history between them, like tattoos - works of art on the surface but permanent reminders, up close, of the darker times. Philip, he's the opposite, sat rigid and perched on the edge of the couch. “What about you, you never left?”

“Uh. No. I got a job at the agency I interned at, never had a reason to leave,” Philip replied simply, offering a shrug, in fact in four years since they’d parted, Philip had never so much as left the state, the furthest he’d travelled was to Tivoli and that was only a mere three hours away with traffic. Even when it came to meeting James’ parents, they had come into the city, rather than the pair of them venturing down to Colorado where he was born. "I love my job, I get to work with the coolest people and I go to the most amazing parties, Red Hook has nothing on an event with Nick Jonas in the room."

"I don't know, man. I had a few of those parties in California and none of them came close to the shit we got up to in Red Hook... savage," Lukas teased lightly and Philip picked the most opportune time to turn back and look at Lukas, with full intentions to flash an expression that says 'I'm judging you' for using the word savage, only to see the brightest of smiles. It's all teeth, lips pushed up and Philip is sure that his features are glowing and that his dimples are more pronounced than ever. Philip sucks his bottom lip in between his teeth, holding in his breath like this is just some sort of hallucination that he can will away if he counts to ten. But ten comes and Lukas is still as radiant as ever, very real and brimming with such a positive energy. The kind of energy that Philip was only ever used to seeing when the pair of them were together. "What's going on with you, though. Update me on some stuff."

"I sometimes make music videos for pop artists, I got my first big cover a couple of months ago and I started dating again," Philip starts, turning the ring on his finger where it sits deep within his pocket and he realised then that he hasn't taken it out since he'd arrived, like he was attempting to hide his status from Lukas. He's not even sure why, it's not like Lukas would care. His cool demeanour gives the effect that he's unfazed by seeing Philip again, while Philip is completely crumbling inside from Lukas' arm brushing his own as he reaches to grab a slice of pizza. In a way he feels like he's doing his fiancé a disservice by hiding it too, he's not ashamed by any means, but he's a mess of confused feelings, feelings that were once suppressed and now fighting their way to the surface again. Philip takes in a deep breath then as he removes his hand from his pocket and places it on his knee, in plain view. It was a [simple ring](http://www.jordanjewellery.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/mens-engagement-rings-12.jpg), a silver band embellished with a smaller band of diamonds across the middle, one that caught the light and made it dazzle like the most beautiful prize one could ever lay their eyes on but as Philip looked at it there, he noted, almost reluctantly, that it couldn't hold a flame to the beauty of the man beside him. "I'm engaged, actually."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't expect to get a new chapter tonight but here we go, enjoy!
> 
> [Also, for those wondering, click through to see what James would look like to avoid any future confusion](http://www.thefashionisto.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/art_hm001-800x935.jpeg).


	4. 03

Filtering through feelings had always been hard for Lukas, organising them and reciprocating them had always been even harder. He had never really been taught what real love was like until he’d encountered Philip, when he saw it blossom before his eyes and he was able to draw up memories of feeling somewhat the same when around his mother, too young to register it or hold onto it for future reference. Love was strange, with all of it’s positive connotations, Lukas had found it to be messy and heartbreaking and something that left a hole in your chest that he assumed he could fill with Motocross, completely unbeknownst to him that Philip had the same feeling, that feeling that he figured was now being filled by his love for his fiancé.

In the few days since Philip’s visit to his apartment, Lukas had been trying desperately to convince himself that it was okay Philip had moved on - after all, it had been four years and it would have been selfish of him to expect that Philip would be waiting at the end of it to date him again. He tells himself repeatedly, that it’s okay for his safe haven to be tied to someone else, that Philip no longer provided him comfort in the form of chaste sleepy kisses and that another mans lips were on the receiving end. Lukas didn’t want to remember the guys name, he didn’t want to cement the reality that Philip was really getting married and not to him, not that marriage was ever really something he thought about, but to a man he’d met in New York who handled PR for celebrities and brought the light into Philip’s eyes.

Lukas recalled a time when he brought the light to Philip’s eyes and how they sparkled under the dim light of the moon, while sitting up in the barn wrapped around each other like their lives depended on it. Depended on the beating of their hearts syncing together in harmony, creating a symphony that echoed their love in droves. It just wasn’t the same to hear his own heartbeat anymore, the music weak and empty, missing what really brought it to life - Philip.

* * * * * * * * * *

_Lukas feels his heart stop the second Philip utters the word engaged, his movements stunted for a second with his hand hovering over the pizza box but not grabbing for a slice. He can’t believe his ears, he can’t believe how one small word could make his entire world crash in a matter of seconds. “Did you just say engaged?”_

_“Yeah, just since Christmas. His name is James, I met him through the agency I work for, he’s a PR consultant,” Philip rambles, unsure as to why he is divulging this much information, maybe he’s just carrying it in hopes that he can keep Lukas from talking or saying something he will regret. Lukas never really shook his ability to say things that he didn’t mean when he was upset but he manages, somehow, to keep his cool and notes the shy smile that adorns Philip’s features when he talks about James._

_Philip is happy and Lukas is too late._

_“That’s great, what did Helen & Gabe think?” Lukas asks, clearing his throat to cover for the fact the news is hitting him hard, causing his voice to shake. He has to take a few bites of pizza just to keep himself from speaking much more, worried he’ll make a fool of himself if he does so._

_“They were really happy, actually. Gabe doesn’t really like him, it’s kind of funny, but he wants me to be happy,” Philip laughs awkwardly, attempting to ignore the adorable way Lukas tilts his head in curiosity, his eyes narrowed like he’s trying to figure out the meaning of Philip’s words without having to ask. “I don’t know, he just thinks James is too good to be true. I even think that sometimes.”_

_“Are you sure he doesn’t just wish you were still with me?” Lukas teases then, his laugh filling the room so warm. It was the type of laugh that was contagious and Philip would have fell into laughter too had the comment made not been so awkward. Because deep down Philip knew that Lukas was right, that Gave, who knew all too well that Philip was still in love with Lukas. Gabe was this shining beacon of hope where true love was concerned, almost cupid like with his arrows pointed directly at Philip & Lukas, certain that the pair would find one another again._

_Philip, with his commitment to someone new, was worried that they had._

* * * * * * * * * *

 

In the days that follow, Lukas replays the night over in his mind countless times. He’s unable to find a comprehensive way to say that he’s sorry, to make it up to Philip and even considers not mentioning it at all, pretending like he never opened his big stupid mouth. He knows the comment, though said in jest - despite it’s hopeful undertones - was insensitive when he considered where they were now. That they were no longer Philip & Lukas, the power couple from Tivoli who survived an FBI agent with a murderous vendetta, the same couple who people were sure could survive anything together. No, now, after four years apart, they were completely separate entities, with nothing to tie them to one another except the fact they now lived in the same place. They led completely different lives and, in Philip’s case, held new loves and Lukas was just struggling to come to terms with the fact that he didn’t fit into the equation that was Philip’s life anymore.

It had been so easy in high school, when Lukas could always count on Philip to be there with a soft, trusting smile, thinking that maybe this would be the last time he’d have to face Lukas’ near incessant indecisiveness. Looking back, Lukas knows he took advantage of Philip at times, strung him along far too much and though he more than made up for it once they were an official couple, he can’t deny the nights he beat himself up and played over every ‘what if’ in his head that culminated with the idea that, maybe, if he had have played things differently that they’d still be together. But this wasn’t high school any longer and, in light of their rather tumultuous history, Lukas can’t really expect that Philip would still harbour any feelings for him. Especially not now that he was engaged.

Though Lukas would be damned if he wasn’t willing to at least try to rectify the situation as an attempt to salvage whatever friendship remained between the two of them. Philip was, after all, his best friend before anything else, no matter how he’d denied it in the beginning and they had promised, in the infancy of their blossoming public relationship, that they would stay best friends no matter what and Lukas still kicks himself for not making the call after Philip walked away, to at least affirm that fact. With a groan Lukas pulls himself upright, his long lean fingers reaching for his cell which has laid dormant on the coffee table for the last hour or so. It takes him some time but somehow he manages to bring himself to stop wallowing in self pity and pick up the device, unlocking it so that he can text Philip.

 **To Philip**  
_Man, I need a good place to get coffee in this city and not that Starbucks crap. You know anywhere?_

Lukas pressing send is wholly accidental, he’s skimming over the text trying to figure if it’s appropriate to start their first conversation since the other night without at least a ‘hey’ but manages to screw himself over when his thumb hovers much too close to the send button, shooting the message straight to Philip. Lukas doesn’t even fight it, sure that his week really couldn’t get any worse and throws his phone down to find the comforts of a shower.

Thirty minutes pass before Lukas is out of the cubicle and dressed again, long after the hot spray has turned ice cold. He doesn’t mind the chill of the water though, it reminds him of the ice baths he endures through training and it quietens his head for a short while. He returns to the living area with a towel draped over his shoulders, one hand pushing it over his hair to reduce the dampness while his free hand moves to grab for his phone once again and the screen illuminates with Philip’s name as he presses the home button, signalling a text from the other.

 **To Lukas**  
_I thought you hated coffee, California changed you._

 

 **To Philip**  
_I like iced coffee, with a little caramel you know and with like 20 sugar packets poured in. Are you free to show me a spot?_

 

 **To Lukas**  
_Alright candy man. Meet me at Bryant Park in 20, I know a place._

 

* * * * * * * * * *

New York City was not for the faint of heart, Lukas had decided and he was still trying adjust to how different it was to both San Francisco and Tivoli. It was a whole other world living in the heart of the Big Apple and while it had it’s charms, those which he supposed Philip was so attracted to, it was not as he had remembered it when he visited Philip during college. Maybe because Philip was always there to pick him up from the train and to take him back again, maybe it was always the same but he was just too preoccupied to notice. Either way, in the space of forty minutes Lukas had seen a near crash, a fight between two cab drivers disputing the near crash and the feat of getting lost navigating his way through Bryant Park as he tried to find the spot at which Philip had said to meet on the drive over. Despite being overwhelmed by the whole ordeal, Lukas decides that it’s all completely worth when he hears the dry sarcasm of Philip that he was so accustomed to and he relishes in the fact that it makes Philip laugh, with eyes scrunched from such a wide brilliant smile.

That particular smile, one that Lukas is sure is melting his insides and the sole reason why his stomach feels like mush, sticks throughout their time together. Time spent reminiscing and hearing about short visits to Tivoli, a rather dramatic and unfortunate Thanksgiving that saw Helen dropping the turkey from laughing too hard at Gabe making ‘gobble’ noises around the kitchen. It was the first time that Philip had taken James back to Tivoli and it had turned into the most embarrassing and enlightening experience of his adult life thus far. Lukas can’t help but laugh at the thought, wishing that he’d been there and prompting a conversation regarding the Thanksgiving they spent together, when the two of them taught Helen how to use Snapchat for the first time.

“She was so oblivious, she uses it all the time now though. I swear I get like eight snaps a day from her trying out all the new filters,” Philip grumbles with a shake of his head but his smile never falters and honestly, that tie to home - because Philip does think of Tivoli as his home deep down - he is very grateful for the never ending show of care from his adoptive family, even if it comes in the form of silly Snapchats.

“You also showed me the dark room photos from my competition that day, I still have a few of them on my website,” Lukas admits with a smirk, always Philip’s biggest fan. Though he hadn’t followed the others work while they were apart, putting it down to the fact that he was hyper-focused on motocross and the idea of living without Philip for, what seemed like, forever. He was excited by the prospect of being able to see Philip in his natural habitat once again, standing behind a camera and doing what he loved; watching that passion seep out of him and into creating something beautiful and he tried not to think about how Philip held that same kind of passion for the pair of them once.

“I should charge you for that,” Philip shoots back with a shake of his head, sipping at his coffee. He had long since forgone the milk, sticking now to having it black with exactly three sugar packets poured in. That was something that he had failed to give up after he and Lukas had broken up, the switch he’d made from spoonfuls of sugar to sugar packets and he smirked at the memory as he added his third and final into his cup before bringing it up for another sip, basking in the warm bitterness that left a sweet after taste. “Maybe we could take some new photos, I always have some free time during the week for last minute shoots.”

“Seriously? You want to?” Lukas asks, his eyes wide and expression akin to a child in a candy store as he considers more time alone with Philip. It doesn’t go unnoticed and Philip can’t help but find the whole thing endearing and so he nods, hiding his smile behind his cup. “I’d love to man, yeah. I need some new photos, that would be amazing, you’re amazing.”

“Well, I’ll text you the times I’m free this week and we can figure something out?” Philip suggests, against his better judgement because as he sits there, feeling his heart rate increase and his stomach turning, he realises that time alone together, in an empty studio, was probably a recipe for trouble. Or maybe Philip had just been watching one too many romantic comedies, they were James’ favourite after all, and he tried not to run through every possible plot in his head that resulted in an accidental awkward encounter with the blonde.

Lukas nods then, completely content with the arrangement and the fact that things, seemingly, were back on track. Maybe not in the sense that he hoped but as he glanced around the quaint coffee shop, with it’s stained wooden decor before eyeing Philip carefully, Lukas thinks that a budding friendship between the two of them was better than the lonely four years that he had spent without him. He would take what he could get, pushing down his desires and ignoring the daydreams that haunted him so relentlessly, picturing the two of them in New York together, a couple in love, planning their future with one another. It couldn't be that hard, right?


	5. 04

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Philip remembers when that same exchange was fuelled by anger and hurt. Now it was carried with light hearts and warm smiles, Philip kind of loved their ability to turn something ugly into something wonderful - as if their past were a pumpkin they were now turning into a stunning glass carriage

A sharp intake of breath breaks the calm night silence as Philip jolts awake. On the bedside, the neon of an alarm clock reads 3:32am and, typically, Philip only wakes at that hour and in such a manner when he is pulling through an insufferable nightmare. This night is different, the images that played out in his mind were less nightmarish and more sordid. What he sees is not Ryan Kane standing in front of him, poised and ready to shoot, but instead Lukas writhing and desperate on the floor of his studio - where the innocent shoot they had collaborated on, turns into a mess of tangled limbs and heated kisses that send Philp’s senses into overdrive. He’s panting, somewhat from the abrupt awakening sending a shock through his system but mostly from the image of Lukas' body pressed against his own still so prominent in his mind. Philip glances quickly to the seemingly still body laying at the side of him and for a moment he worries that he may have woken James up but is relieved when he hears soft snores erupt a moment later.

Even when he was dating Lukas, Philip rarely had any kind of erotic dreams about the other. Perhaps because what they had was tangible, a real intimate connection that never seemed to fade or falter over time. His reality was filled with carnal desire, leaving him with no real reason to dream about it. Maybe in the very beginning, while Lukas was still confused about his sexuality swaying to the male persuasion rather than the female, maybe then Philip relied on dreams to get him by but even then, it never became as explicit as it had this night. It was inappropriate, Philip thought as he quietly fell out of bed and into a plush pair of slippers, shuffling into the dining area where he knew he’d left his laptop set up before he retreated to bed a few hours prior. It was inappropriate because he and Lukas were no longer together, it was inappropriate because Philip was engaged and in the same aspect, it was inappropriate because aforementioned fiancé was sleeping soundly next to him.

It wasn’t like James didn’t satisfy him, of course he did, but seeing Lukas again had rekindled a flame within him that was burning brighter with every meeting they shared and deep down Philip knew he should put a stop to it, before the flames grew too strong and devoured him leaving him with a burning need for Lukas that he was too weak to fan out. And Philip definitely didn’t help himself when, after imagining the pair of them together on the floor of his studio, he reboots his laptop to find the images of Lukas from the same photo shoot staring him right in the face, begging to be tinkered with and edited. Philip groaned, slinking into the kitchen to begin brewing up the strongest cup of coffee he could manage, hoping that it would dull his other senses enough that he wouldn’t have to think about how Lukas looked kneeling between his thighs in nothing but that stupid riders jacket.

* * * * * * * * * *

_What started out as a one hour shoot, with two simple outfit changes and one colour filter switch, turned into four of the most entertaining hours Philip had experienced while at work. Philip had never intended to spend the better part of his day photographing his ex-boyfriend, making it undeniably clear from the moment Lukas arrives that all he has time for is an hour shoot before he has to get some other work ready for print. It was just hard to say no to Lukas, what with him standing there with those same old puppy dog eyes, so wide and assured, deep pools of beautiful colours that Philip could get lost in for hours and did once. He had tried to protest but eventually gave in to the damn near pitiful begging on Lukas’ part, agreeing to stay a little while longer._

_Honestly, it’s the best decision he’s made that week._

_Everything with Lukas is easy, almost too easy, like they didn’t have any other outside commitments or a flurry of complicated history between them. In this empty studio, it was just the two of them as they always used to be, Lukas & Philip against the world and Philip had to ignore the way his phone buzzed in his back pocket, knowing that at least some of the texts coming through would most likely be from James, wondering when he’ll be home. For now, Philip just kind of wants to enjoy what little time he has to be free, what time he has to enjoy Lukas’ company as it is before things get weird again because, really, they were both just teetering on the edge ready to fall into awkward territory once again._

_For now though, things were good. With Lukas leaning forward for another pose, staring directly into Philip's camera. There’s a table in front with his helmet atop it, where his arms are draped. It’s comfortable and casual and Lukas can’t remember the last time he actually enjoyed having his photo taken, usually finding the whole situation far too strange - that someone he doesn’t even know would want to take photos of him in ridiculous poses that would then make it into a magazine and perhaps even on the wall of a amorous fan. With Philip it’s like riding his bike, he feels at ease with his shoulders relaxed and a slight smirk on his face. “No smiling.”_

_“Oh come on, have you seen the way you’re standing? Kinda like the turkeys before they get ready to run,” Lukas teased lightly, stepping around from the table to show Philip just exactly how he’s standing. His legs out to the side and bent, his body slightly lower to the ground but only by an inch or two from his usual standing position. Philip only rolls his eyes and snaps a picture of Lukas in that position. “That’s it, that’s the winner for my website.”_

_“I'm sure your sponsors would love that,” Philip shakes his head, looking back through the last couple of images, mulling over what pose to try next. Lukas watches intently at the way Philip lifts his hand to the back of his neck, as if there’s a button there to press that releases fresh new ideas. He hears the way Philip hums as he moves forward and shifts the table away from the main set up, putting a small step ladder in it’s place and Lukas finds it quite charming just how into the work Philip is. He also finds it's the only time he can really admire how Philip looks now, a little more grown than he had been four years ago and still so alluring. “Can you grab that green sheet for me?”_

_Lukas snaps quick from his reverie, registering the request, suddenly thankful for the distraction to keep his eyes from drawing back to the curve of Philip’s body as he bent over the step ladder. Or back to how refined certain features were in the tight fitted jeans he was currently wearing. “Yeah, yeah… you’re not gonna have me dress up as a ghost are you?” Lukas asks as he grabs for the sheet, draping it over himself. Philip’s back is turned as he begins to make his way over to the other again and, feeling devious, Lukas pulls the sheet over the top of his head and as he starts to make the ever famous horror movie ‘ooh’s’ of a ghost he grabs at Philip’s waist._

_That’s all it takes for the pair of them to fall into fits of laughter, Lukas’ fingers still pressing gently into Philip’s sides, clearly still as ticklish as ever. Philip curses his sensitive sides as he is drawn into dangerously close proximity to the Lukas - his back pressed to the others chest - and Philip has to ignore the way his skin tingles from the sudden contact, even despite the layers of clothing between them. “You’re such an asshole.”_

_“Oh yeah, I’m an asshole,” Lukas comments as he finally steps away and Philip narrows his eyes - turning so that he’s facing Lukas, letting him see the expression on his face as he pulled the sheet from over his head. Philip notes the way Lukas’ hair falls in his face again, cascading down over his eyes, shadowing them slightly and he picks up on how they seem a darker shade behind a curtain of hair, more mysterious but still so hypnotising._

_“Yeah, you are,” Philip shoots back with a smirk, turning on his heels then to drape the sheet over the ladder. He directs Lukas where to stand almost immediately, having him place his foot on the top step with his helmet on his knee._

_Philip remembers when that same exchange was fuelled by anger and hurt. Now it was carried with light hearts and warm smiles, Philip kind of loved their ability to turn something ugly into something wonderful - as if their past were a pumpkin they were now turning into a stunning glass carriage and Philip would have loved the analogy that he was some sort of Cinderella character, if it weren’t for having to shake the thought of Lukas, embarking on an endless chase in the name of love with glass slipper in tow. It was getting harder to remind himself that James was his Prince Charming when deep down he knew that Lukas was the wish his heart made._

* * * * * * * * * *

It’s still dark out when Philip wakes again, having fallen into slumber for an undisclosed amount of time. Part of him thinks that maybe he’d slept through the whole day but he knows James wouldn’t have let that happen, especially not at the dining table. He rubs the drool from the side of his mouth as he sits up, reaching for his coffee cup, hoping he’ll find some comfort for the crick in his neck in the bitter taste of his morning brew but is instead met with a very cold version of the coffee he’d made earlier. There’s something else too, an all too sweet taste that can only be explained by the sheer pile of sugar packets sitting just off to the side of his laptop. He groans, hearing the soft patter of feet entering the room just seconds after but he can’t being himself to open his eyes.

“Well hey sleeping beauty, what are you doing up so early?” James asks, his voice far too cheery for the time of the morning and now Philip knows just what time it is, despite not having seen an actual clock. James leaves for work at 7:30am every day, wanting to beat the rush of people trying to get to their offices, which means it’s somewhere around 6:45am and James is enjoying his first coffee of the day.

Philip quickly rubs his hands over his face and pulls his laptop further again, right as James is striding up behind him and placing a mug down on a coaster. “For me?” Philip asked, casting a hopeful glance up at his fiancé who nods and takes a sip from the mug in his hand. “You spoil me, I love you,” Philip adds and, despite all of the complicated feelings he’d been exposed to as of late, he wasn’t lying. Weird dreams about Lukas be damned, he was still very much into his tall, handsome hubby-to-be. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Nightmare?” James shoots quickly, they hadn’t been as frequent as of late, Philip would say he was averaging around two a month now and as time would tell, he was about due for one. So Philip simply nodded, not wanting to hash out the bizarre events of his dream that saw him sleeping another man, sure that it would condemn him to the couch for a few nights if not the street. James only wraps his arms around Philip’s shoulders in return, pressing a kiss to his temple and Philip suddenly hates how sweet the other, only adding to his fast accumulating guilt. “Who’s that?”

For a second Philip has no idea what James is talking about, his eyes are closed and his is allowing himself to bask in the snug embrace of his lover. It takes him a moment to remember that he has his laptop in front of him again, screen illuminated with Lightroom which contains several edited images of Lukas. “Oh, remember that friend from high school I told you about? The motocross rider? He’s in New York, we decided to do a little photo shoot for old times sake.”

“These are incredible,” James comments, one of his arms reaching out so that his fingers can tap the arrow keys, navigating through the images Philip had taken. Completely in the dark to the fact that Lukas isn’t just a friend, that Lukas was never just a motocross rider and that Philip had, literally just a few hours previous, dreamt of Lukas in a very unsavoury way. There was Philip wallowing in the shame of it, of not being honest with James from the beginning and he shakes his head trying to be coy about the whole situation but James, his most substantial support, can’t seem to stop with the outpouring of appreciation over what he see’s on the screen. “Send me a few of these, I have to go to work but I want to show everyone. Honestly this is some of your best work, Philip, I’m so proud of you.”

Philip is met with another kiss, one to his lips this time and it has the kind of pressure that draws a whimper from the back of Philip’s throat and that turns him in his chair so that he can take James’ head in his hands, holding him still for as long as humanly possible. Of course breathing is a thing that they both haven’t mastered while in the throws of a heated kiss and the pair pull back with a pant, foreheads pressed together. “I think I can be a little late today,” James says and Philip’s pupils dilate, all thoughts of Lukas suddenly wiped from his mind and he closes his laptop quickly, as if proving a point to himself that with James here he doesn’t need Lukas - dream or no dream - and quickly begins tugging James back toward their bedroom.

* * * * * * * * * *

“You did what!?” Noah bellows, turning a few heads in the bar. It's 5:47pm at their usual spot and Philip has just witnessed an excessive, and almost impressive, spray of beer be cast across the table straight from Noah's mouth. It's later in the same day, after James had finally dragged himself out of Philip's arms and reluctantly left for work, Philip had managed to get a few extra hours of sleep after that but not enough to take up enough of his day. Instead, for most of the afternoon, Philip was left in a vast pit of his own thoughts where, instead of working on editorial for a magazine spread, he summarised everything that had happened over the past 48 hours and somehow got stuck into a cycle of hypotheticals regarding his relationship with both James and Lukas. It was mind-boggling and stress inducing and after a while, Philip just couldn't take it anymore. Which is what led to him meeting with Noah, for the second time in two weeks, the most they'd ever seen one another in such a short period of time since college had finished. Things were getting serious.

"Yeah... like right in my studio, on the floor and it was so real too, I thought-," Philip was cut off by a raised hand and a shake of a head, Noah clearly uninterested in hearing the finer details of the dream and it's not like Philip really helps himself when he adds; "I slept with James like a few hours later, not a dream."

"Pity sex, you felt guilty so you had sex with your fiancé. I don't know if that's cruel or genius," Noah comments and Philip is sure he can see the situation playing out, a PG version at least, in Noah's head like he's trying to figure out what he really thinks of the whole thing. In the end Noah just nods, offering up a smirk like he's landed at the conclusion that Philip is a genius but honestly, saying it all out loud, he's not so sure. "I'm a terrible person."

"Maybe but I am the one who told you to go and get closure," Noah adds, without even thinking and Philip always kind of liked that lack of brain to mouth filter Noah possessed. His no-nonsense approach to everything was often both refreshing and ultimately frustrating and at that moment, Philip can only feel glad that he has someone to blame for all of this other than himself. Even though it's not Noah's fault at all, advice was only every just words spoken from a good place and what Philip chose to do with them were another story. A story that had played out in the most dramatic way possible, that left him more perplexed by the whole Lukas situation than he started with.  

"Yes, thank you for that nugget of wisdom. Look where it got me," Philip teases, shaking his head and Noah takes no offence whatsoever. Both of them know fully well that Philip was beating himself up inside and Noah didn't mind taking some of the heat off of Philip if it meant he could lighten the burden weighing so heavy on his shoulders. That's what good friends did, right? They shared hardships by supporting one another and Philip was just grateful that Noah never asked for anything in return when he was sure he would break down from the idea that everything he knew was actually the opposite. 

"You could tell him. Tell James about Luk-" It's Philip's turn to interject, shaking his head fast with a long drawn out 'no' because while he took most advice offered up to him with at least an open mind, that may have been the worst idea he had ever heard. Noah laughs beside him, his shoulders jostling from the effort and Philip just groans still none the wiser as to what to do. Two things he knows for sure; he absolutely cannot tell James about the dream, especially considering the fact he doesn't know the whole truth about Lukas and if that were to slip out well, then there'd just be a whole car wreck of issues to deal with which had Philip welling with anxiety at the mere thought. Second, he absolutely cannot tell Lukas either because if there even was a glimmer of hope that Lukas still loved him, well then Philip was just throwing gasoline onto a flame he was already fanning.

As if he wasn't already treading in dangerously, Philip feels the buzz of his phone in his pocket. It seems innocent enough when he pulls his phone out to scroll the number of texts that had come through whilst he'd been sitting with Noah, but his most recent are from James and at first he smiles wide, feeling a warmth in the pit of his stomach as excitement began to radiate through him. 

 **To Philip**  
_Hey babe, will you do me the honour of going to a networking event with me this weekend?_

 **To Philip _  
_** _Everyone at the agency is raving about you today and they recommended my 'incredibly talented photographer fiancé' to a bunch of huge names in the game, they want to meet you!_

Honestly, Philip isn't entirely sure if the sudden sense of elation is from the thought that James had been talking so highly of him all day, if it's from the idea that his career was about to take a new positive turn, or if it was a culmination of both together. Whichever it was didn't matter for too long and Noah, peering over his shoulder the entire time, falls back into a near fit of laughter when another text comes through - instantly wiping any sign of happiness from Philip's face, his skin turning a bleak grey. Noah's chortles echo in his head, taunting him and Philip has to make a note to remind himself never to say 'well, thinks can't get any worse than this' ever again because things most definitely can. All because James, who's actions clearly come from the good of his heart with only golden intentions in mind, had to go and do something Philip can only define as stupid.

 **To Philip**  
_Oh and I invited that Lukas guy, too. Hope that's okay, can't wait to meet him!_


	6. 05

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Philip had followed with haste hoping that, maybe, they would be able to talk things out before they got home and that maybe they could immediately retreat to bed at least somewhat happy, or at least with the mutual knowledge that they loved one another, that tomorrow would be a brand new day.

When he thinks about it, Lukas has never really seen Philip in a suit. Not even at his mothers funeral, despite Gabe offering to at least rent one for him but Philip had been adamant about wearing his own clothes, an outfit his mom loved to see him in and that meant no fitted suits in sight. The pair had also ditched on prom in favour of a night in the city, spending the night at a hotel on times square which was way too expensive but that Helen & Gabe insisted on paying for because Philip had technically told them that they were visiting a prospective college. Really Philip just didn’t want to attend a dance that withheld the archaic tradition of crowning a king and queen, where dancing too close was frowned upon so kissing his boyfriend on the dancefloor probably wouldn't fly either. So Lukas, silly as it might have been, bought them both crowns and uttered ‘I’ll be the queen, if you want, just be my king’ as he twirled Philip under the bright flashing lights of Times Square.

In retrospect, as he glanced around at all the slim fitted designer suits, Lukas should have made more of an effort. Not that he looks bad, not by any means, but most males in the room had opted for proper evening attire with pocket squares and Lukas, well, he’d opted for smart wear with maximal comfort. Though he wore a button up, plain periwinkle blue - not plaid, much to Philip’s surprise - he had paired it with a pair of straight black jeans and he sort of sticks out like a sore thumb among everyone else. Not that it was hard, with his stature at over 6ft and his hair, not styled, blonde and still a little long, he just didn't seem to belong. Though, as he glances around the room, he notices that neither does Philip.

Philip, who is dressed in designer wear with a name that neither of them can really pronounce, catches Lukas’ eye from across the room and Lukas notes the rigid stance that Philip is taking, tugging at his bowtie like it's much too tight and causing him discomfort. There’s truth to that fact but Philip would have probably put that discomfort down to the anxiety he felt at the prospect of James & Lukas meeting for the first time. The kind of anxiety that had Philip mapping the room for every exit, just so he would have a viable escape route should things go terribly.

Across the room, Lukas watches as Philip leans into his fiancé and for the first time since he’d found Philip in the room, he averts his gaze. It’s not that he feels like he’s intruding on some intimate moment but just that he almost feels ashamed for being hit with a burst of jealousy that Philip was kissing the cheek and holding the hand of someone else. When he glances upward once again, Philip is approaching and Lukas needs to take long deep breaths in an attempt to still his rapidly beating heart as he notes just how handsome the other looks.

“Wow, so this is what I missed by not taking you to prom?” Lukas teased, circling Philip almost like a vulture hounding it’s prey. If things were different, if there were no James, he wouldn't have had to worry about what he might say next and Philip could see concentrated look on Lukas' face as he rounded to face him again as he tried to figure out what to say. “You look… amazing... I mean, handsome.”

“Lukas,” Philip replies pointedly because James is only a few feet away and though he’s surely out of earshot, Philip doesn’t want to chance him getting the wrong idea. All the while Philip is doing just that, reading too much into the compliment. Perhaps it was just an echo of the adoration Lukas felt for him once upon a time, or maybe he felt it still but either way Philip has to sip at his glass of champagne, giving him an excuse for why his cheeks were heating up.

“What? Would it be better if I said dude after?” Lukas asks, eyebrows raising slightly as a rather smug expression is painted across his features, like finding this loophole to complimenting Philip is the best idea he’s ever had. “You look handsome, dude.”

“You’re an idiot,” Philip responds with a loving smile and he shakes his head, clearly finding Lukas completely ridiculous. Though, it’s almost like a weight lifted off of Philip’s shoulders to see how easy to it was for them to slip back into their old ways, with Lukas still as goofy as he remembered and Philip still there to offer some kind of witty or teasing retort. For the most part, it’s nice and Philip feels completely at ease for a little while as the pair of them wander the hall, admiring the photographs hanging in different parts of the room and Lukas notes that Philip always seems to laugh at his silly observations, a laughter that’s awfully contagious.

* * * * * * * *

That small blissful interlude doesn’t last long, of course, because that would be too easy and Lukas is convinced that his life is cruel and unforgiving and something out of a dramatic Hollywood movie. Philip can sense the tension in Lukas suddenly, the slight buzz he has from the champagne he’d been drinking making it hard for him to register the sound of footsteps until it’s too late, until there’s a hand on his arm and he’s turning to see James standing right beside him. Philip swallows thickly, an overwhelming sense of dread suddenly washing over him and he tries not to think about how different the feeling is compared to just a few moments ago, when it was just the two of them; Philip & Lukas.

“So this is the motocross rider I’ve heard about?” James asks as he slides right into Philip’s side, snaking an arm around his waist in a near protective fashion and Lukas notes the way James’ eyes follow the length of his body as if sizing him up in comparison. “I'm James, it’s great to meet the guy from those photos Philip took.”

“Lukas,” He responds, his tone biting and wholly unimpressed. James is attractive, sure but Lukas can’t help but feel that he’s just not good enough for Philip, a feeling he fiercely tries to convince himself is not linked in any way to jealously. “You’re the fiancé.”

“I like to think of myself as the luckiest guy in the room but yes,” James laughs and Lukas hates it, gritting his teeth as he finds the others attitude obnoxious. Philip, well he just stays silent and he tries not to think of the the emptiness he feels in his chest as James hugs him in a little tighter. “So, you two met in high school right?”

“I’ve told you about this,” Philip quickly interjects, placing a hand on James’ chest and lightly pushing him back, trying to silently coax him away for a little while so they can mingle among the room and actually get some networking done but Philip knows James well, understands how stubborn he is and, true to form, he holds fast not moving an inch. Philip would have panicked had he not dulled his senses with alcohol, that initial sense of dread his only motivator for attempting to move James.

“Yeah, high school. Philip filmed a lot of my tricks back then that helped me get a sponsorship, he’s awesome,” Lukas replies and Philip is stuck in the middle suddenly of two men that are completely ignoring him. Really Philip knows he should have briefed Lukas to prepare him for this encounter, told him what not to say but in the days leading up to the event, Philip had thrown himself whole-heartedly into his work to avoid the situation all together. He suddenly regretted that decision, he knew better than to run from things - especially since they involved both his ex and his fiancé. “I just moved to the city, so Philip thought we should take some new photos together.”

“Is that so?” James replies, casting a glance down to Philip who is bowing his head. Little white lie number one had been revealed, he hadn’t exactly disclosed the true reason as to why they were talking photos together and Philip had even gone so far as to make James believe that it was a booked gig, paid for and all. In a way it had been paid for, if you could count Lukas covering Chinese food and coffee during the shoot an official form of payment, though Philip had a distinct feeling that James wouldn’t see it that way. “The photos came out great, he doubts himself, even though I keep telling him how amazing he is.”

“You should see the photos he took when we were dating, on a film camera too. I didn’t even know those things still existed but he got this one of me in mid air, totally savage. You should have him show you sometime,” Lukas explains though most of it falls completely on deaf ears. In fact, Philip only hears the phrase 'we were dating', something that, much to Philip's dismay, doesn't go unheard by James who suddenly goes stiff at his side. Philip’s eyes are wide as the colour drains from his face, leaving him a ghostly shade of white and suddenly sober.

* * * * * * * *

It's 1am, three hours after arriving home and Philip stifles a yawn against the back of his hand. After James' swift and silent departure, Philip had followed with haste hoping that, maybe, they would be able to talk things out before they got home and that maybe they could immediately retreat to bed at least somewhat happy, or at least with the mutual knowledge that they loved one another, that tomorrow would be a brand new day. However it wasn't all as simple as Philip had played out in his head, which explained why, at 1am, Philip was perched on the edge of their couch watching as James paced back and forth, the action leaving him feeling rather uneasy.

It's times like these when Philip wished to be by the water, listening to the calm ripples of the rivers current and the way it lapped against the river banks. He tries to imagine it, closing his eyes in hopes that the serene picture of a river would appear. There's no chance of that happening when his phone continues to buzz incessantly in his pocket, a slew of abandoned texts and unanswered phone calls that are sure to seep apologies awaiting him. Philip wonders if it's too late to become a believer in God or some other higher deity and that, if it's not, his silent prayers for the floor to open up and swallow him whole will be answered.

"Will you stop pacing?" Philip asks when he opens his eyes once more, his eyes darting to the floor to see that it's still fully intact and no vast pit in sight. As he glances upward once more, Philip is surprised to see that James has listened and stilled his movements, instead he has taken to standing a few feet in front of him, arms folded across his chest and a rather disapproving look on his face. Philip thinks that maybe James was better off pacing, at least then he wouldn't have to face the crippling reality of disappointing his fiancé. "Will you hear me out now, please?"

"Sure," James speaks quickly and Philip breathes a small sigh of relief, though as he trawls through what he has to say in his mind he clenches his jaw, a sure sign that he's anxious. Who knows if James will actually believe him, or if what he has to say will resolve anything, or if James will simply go back to offering nothing but the silent treatment. "Why didn't you tell me, Philip?"

"What was I supposed to say? It's not like I had a chance to tell you before we started dating and then what did it matter after that? He wasn't in my life anymore," Philip starts and he hates the way that James responds with a simple eyeroll, offering nothing more than discontent which wills Philip into silence. His whole demeanour is passive and what Philip hates more than that is how he can't even brush it all off with a sarcastic comment, fully aware of the consequences - how James will be driven into a reclusive state, more angry and on guard than he had been at the beginning of the night.

"Key word being 'wasn't'," James says simply, shaking his head as he goes back to pacing and Philip breathes slowly, glad that he at least doesn't have the others eyes boring into him any longer. "Why couldn't you tell me when he came back into your life? How long has that even been?"

"I'm sorry, okay? Yeah, I should have told you but he's only been here a couple of weeks, he literally just moved here and I'm the only person he knows," Philip explains but his apology falls on deaf ears, the words 'should have' being all it takes to start James off on a tirade and Philip, well, he's exhausted emotionally and physically, sure that he can hear the bed calling him from down the hall. Though instead of retreating to the plush warmth of their king mattress, Philip continues to sit while James continues to get things off of his chest, some of it rather harsh and Philip is sure that he only deserves maybe half of what he's getting. Especially when James takes a turn, when his anger turns to spite and Philip sees a completely different, and rather unfortunate, side to his fiancé.

"I don't want you to see him anymore... or at least not without telling me first, if you can lie about you two dating before then who knows what else is going on," James finishes with a nod, like he's almost proud of himself for coming up with it and Philip simply just stares, completely stunned. If nothing else, Philip had thought James would know him better than to think he would do anything with Lukas, let alone do it and lie about it. Though Philip had made a mistake, he'd thought that James would understand that this was all it was - a mistake.

"No," Philip says simply as he stands, offering the simplest of shrugs. His own anger has flared but in that usual way that not only gets to James but was known to irritate Lukas too, where his face is stern but the tone of his voice is much too calm - a proposed lack of care that was both annoying and terrifying all at the same time. "I won't do it, James. I'm not something you can just boss around, you can stay mad at me all you want but it'll probably be better for everyone if you just accept that Lukas and I are friends."

There's nothing left to say, even with tension still hanging thick in the air like a curtain separating the two of them and Philip thinks, as he finally heads toward their room, that this is the first time that he hasn't been able to break through it. It's the first time that they go to bed mad at one another - though Philip wonders if James ever headed to bed, considering his side of the bed is still made up from the night before - but Philip feels a sense of calm as he crawls under the covers and he supposes he probably should be concerned about the empty feeling in his chest when James flashes across his mind as he hears the other shuffle through the living area. Or perhaps he should be more concerned about the warmth that pools in his stomach when he checks his phone before slumber, finding fourteen individual texts from Lukas. Philip smiles, quickly typing out a reply before setting his phone away and lulling himself into sleep.

**To Lukas  
** _You're forgiven. See you at coffee tomorrow? Our usual place at 10._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for how late this is and for the fact that it's not my best chapter - a lot of it has to do with how beaten down I've been since it was announced that our beloved show has been cancelled. I hope you guys will still stick with me as we go through this!


	7. 06

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the first time that he's heard Philip say I love you to someone else and honestly? It feels like a thousand knives have been thrown at his chest and suddenly he can't breathe, it shouldn't be James that he says that too, it should be him.

Tivoli, though small and mostly baron, is home for Lukas. It's where he feels most himself, he knows the dirt tracks like the back of his hand, can follow the sound of a nearby stream and know exactly when to jump from how much louder it has become. He likes how confident he feels when he's riding there, while he may not always come in first place in a competition, riding a dirt road in Tivoli he's always a winner. Even if Lukas can't seem to win at anything else in his personal life, at least he has this. Tivoli, motocross, and the memories of better times. Memories, of course, that are plagued with a soft smile belonging to one Philip Shea, the type of smile that causes your breath to catch in your throat from it's beauty. Lukas would be lying if he said he hadn't kept the polaroids of the two of them, the ones that Philip let him keep, the ones where Philip didn't like his smile but Lukas adored it, like it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

At home, he sleeps in his dad's cabin. Allowing him the privacy and space to himself was something of an agreement between the two when Lukas became 18 and he had very quickly moved all of the things he had kept boxed away into his own space, pinning the polaroids to the wall by his bed so that he would see them every day. Even when he messed everything up, allowed a sponsorship to come between the two of them, Lukas couldn't bring himself to take the photos down, letting them be a beacon of hope that maybe one day things would be okay between them, that one day they'd get back together. Lukas just never knew when that day would come and maybe, just maybe, if he'd made his way back to New York a little sooner, he would have been in the place of Philip's fiancé James.

That was, if the pair were still engaged. Following the networking party, Lukas and Philip had grown rather distant and not on Philip's part by any means. No, Lukas hadn't wanted to ruin something good for Philip, not when he had caused the other male so much heartache already. Lukas hardly forgave himself for all he had put the other through in the first place, or how he was so able to walk away like a sponsorship would ever be more important than Philip. It wasn't, no matter how much pressure he felt that he was under, Lukas should have never thrown away their relationship like that. He knew it, deep down, even if he refused to admit it to himself. In a way he tried to look at it in a way that he was setting Philip free, allowing him to fly and be the bright star he was supposed to be, without Lukas dulling the light out of fear for his damn career. Stupid. Lukas was so damn stupid.

Philip had always thought that he was at his best when he was with Lukas, at least when things between them had settled and they were finally able to be themselves. After Ryan Kane and the threat to their lives had been eradicated, when Lukas spent most of his time lifting Philip up rather than hiding in closet behind him, Philip found the confidence to do things that he never would have thought himself capable of, especially as he began to process the fact his mother had died. Then Lukas was gone and suddenly that light, the confident glow that the pair of them had built up, started to diminish and Philip felt the darkness creep over him once again.

Something that Philip was having a hard time escaping, a month on from the networking event when the dust had settled and things, for the most part, had returned back to normal. See Philip had tried reaching out to Lukas, a multitude of times, only a day or two after the fight he'd gotten into with James about Lukas, the pair had planned to meet up for coffee and try to keep normalcy between them. However, while Philip had shown up, Lukas was nowhere to be found and since, Philip hadn't really heard from the blonde that had simultaneously brought the light back and stripped it away in one fell swoop.

 

 

* * * * * * * * *

 

_11am. The unclothed knee of Lukas Waldenbeck is jumping rapidly, much to the dismay of passenger sitting right next to him. Nerves are shot, anxiety has built like a slow whirling tornado and now threatened to throw away his very foundations. He feels like he could scream, in a moment he had managed to nearly ruin the new relationship that Philip had built with James. Maybe it was an honest mistake, maybe it would be easy to assume that Philip would have told his fiance that they had dated forever ago, for a number of years, that it wouldn't be such a big deal when Lukas mentioned it nonchalantly. Lukas hadn't expected that he'd be so wrong and the idea of meeting with Philip, a little over twelve hours, after he had watched James storm away from the pair of them, didn't seem like the best idea._

_Even as he stepped off of the subway and into the street, he felt dirty. Like he was committing some sort of adultery, or other heinous crime, when really all he was doing was driving a knife further into his own heart. While witnessing an argument between Philip and James was awkward and rather devastating when he thought of the effects it could have on Philip, he would be lying if he said he hadn't held some kind of hope that maybe, this would give him the chance he had moved to New York for in the first place. That was what made him feel dirty, the fact that he had almost wished for the demise of a functioning relationship between two people that were, not only dating, but engaged, for the benefit of himself._

_As that reality hit him, Lukas rounded to the block that their coffee shop stood on and through the window his eyes caught a glimpse of a shaggy haired brunette with tired eyes and a coffee cup nestled between his hands, that was when he realized he couldn't, any longer, bring himself to hurt Philip Shea in any way._

_While his heart yearned for Philip, would always hold him dear, he wanted him to be happy, even if that meant he would marry another man and live out his life with a last name other than Waldenbeck. Sure Lukas had been terrified of the whole concept at first, though losing Philip had a profound impact on his outlook and after a while it became pertinently clear that Lukas couldn't imagine marrying, let alone being with, anyone else. For Philip, though, he would give up that hope, he would push it down and swallow his pride and allow the fact that his first, and only love, had moved on to someone better._

**To Philip:**  
Hey man, look, my coach is freaking out about a competition I totally forgot about.  
I gotta head back to Tivoli like, right now, so can't meet for coffee.  
Sorry dude, when I get back?

 _Lukas looks up through his blonde locks, letting his eyes train on the window where Philip is sitting behind and he watches the way he carefully sets down his mug and picks up his phone from the table. It hurts, a dull ache growing deep in his chest, what hurts more is that Philip doesn't even text back, he simply shakes his head. Like Lukas has let him down again, like he's bracing another disappointment and Lukas simply sighs, trying not to let the scene rip him completely apart. He doesn't cry, he certainly won't cry in public if the time ever came. So Lukas simply turns, heads back towards the Subway in silence and disappears among the choruses of people trying to get on board._  

 

 

* * * * * * * * *

 

Honestly, heading to Tivoli hadn't even been Philip's idea. James had coaxed the visit, knowing that Gabe's Birthday was coming up. James also knew how much Philip missed them, his adoptive parents visited when they could but Tivoli couldn't really be without it's Sheriff and while Gabe had visited a few times alone, he didn't tend to enjoy coming into the city without Helen. Still, Philip had been hesitant to return to Tivoli, never one to take a break from work and not really finding any desire in returning to the small town without James there by his side to keep him level headed. 

Since their fight, things had been, for lack of a better word, strange. Surprisingly, they had gone only a week without talking and avoiding one another, prompting a few trips to visit Noah in that time, but both of their resolves are easy to break. As stubborn as Philip could be, he wasn't the most confrontational, he hated to fight and the silent treatment only went so far when you lived together and slept in the same bed. However, Philip wasn't the first to break through the unbearable tension, no, that was all James. What Philip always admired about the other was that he always knew when he was wrong and though it took him a while, he always admitted when he was at fault and would move mountains in an attempt to fix it in his apologies. This fight had been no different, his ultimatum of having Philip choose him or Lukas had fallen on deaf ears and that's the way it should have been, and James knew that he was never in a position to make Philip decide who he wanted more, when they should be able to trust one another.

Within a few days, everything had fell into normalcy, their same routine, their same old jokes, the same old kisses that just didn't seem to light that same flame within Philip anymore and while that should have been concerning, he simply put it down to the fact they hadn't fully recovered from the biggest fight of their relationship. Philip wasn't worried at all, at least not at first, though rolling over a month, having not heard from Lukas and still kissing the lips of his fiance, Philip couldn't help that he just simply felt, well, nothing. There were no butterflies, in it's place was a sense of anxiety as thoughts of Lukas and his whereabouts flooded his mind, making him wonder if the other had been killed in a motocross accident. It almost seemed worse that the other was simply ignoring him, the internet being the powerful tool that it was, it only took Philip mere seconds to search the other on social media and find that, unless his entourage was tweeting for him, he was still very much alive.

Things were good, though. Other than the way Lukas continued to creep into his thoughts, his dreams, other than the way his feelings were slowly beginning to change, things were good. Philip was set on the act that, due to how strained everything had been, that he just didn't feel anything at all, that it wasn't James, or that he was still in love with Lukas and that everything would return to the way it was. Tivoli was just a step in making that happen and James had wanted to go, wanted to celebrate Gabe's Birthday with Philip and Helen but work left him with the inability to attend and Philip with a sense of relief. Maybe space would be good for them, maybe Philip running errands for Helen and Gabe, leading up to his party, would be good for them because his mind wasn't on what Lukas could be doing, nor was it on the rather unusual shift in his relationship with James, but on preparations and lists and picking up a cake from the bakery because Helen was already too stressed to do that too.

 

It's a simple task, one that Philip is more than capable of doing. Head to the bakery, pick up the cake, hit one other store on the way home to collect party cups, and return to Helen so she can make sure the cake is exactly as she'd ordered it. Easy. Though Philip's life was never easy, he had come to terms with that pretty early on. Philip had a habit of lulling himself into this false sense of security, of imaging that things are better than they are and that his heart doesn't damn near burst at the very mention of Lukas' name, or how a certain cologne worn by a man in a bakery doesn't instantly remind him of the cologne that Lukas wears, the one that he breathed in every time he nestled into the others neck and left peppered kisses across the warm pale skin. 

He ignores the scent, one that burns as he breathes in, threatening to suffocate him if he were to breathe too deep and he approaches the counter with a forced smile. "I'm here to pick up a cake for Helen Torrence," Philip announces, his hands fumbling in his pockets for his phone, just to keep him distracted whilst the lady behind the counter wanders off to grab his order. It would have been fine, truly, Philip could have handled the cologne and the small memory of Lukas for an extra few moments until he was out of the store but at that moment he hadn't been tapped on the shoulder, he didn't have that familiar smooth vocal tone ringing in his ears, then it all became too much.

"Do you come here often?" Lukas asks, it's clear it's him and Philip does a good job to hold himself together by swallowing thickly and pursing his lips as he turns around. There Lukas stands, with a grin on his stupid face, like he hasn't gone a whole month not talking to him like he simply didn't exist. "Hello?" Lukas continues, waving a hand in front of Philip's face, the brunette simply staring in disbelief, trying to figure out what he's feeling - anger, disappointment, pure unadulterated desire that could put his entire relationship at risk once more if he were honest about it.

"Do I know you?" Philip asks coldly, his teeth gritted - it seems he's settled on anger. Probably not the best stance to take if he wants to salvage any kind of friendship with the blonde, not that they could ever possibly live in harmony; himself, James and Lukas all best friends. Philip even grimaces at the idea and it's evident to Lukas, who draws back and peers down as if he's admiring the decadent cakes before him. "Do you blow off all of your friends, or is it just me?"

"Philip," Lukas starts, there should be more he has to say but it won't come out. Like he's still trying to process the right thing to say so he doesn't shove his foot in it anymore than he already has. Because really, Lukas knows he shouldn't have walked away deep down and sure he regrets it every single day, but regretting never got him anywhere.

Philip simply holds up a hand, stopping Lukas before he even gets a chance to say a word. Philip isn't even sure if he wants to hear it, his teen years were marred with the endless apologies that Lukas gave to him and he didn't want to have that repeated over again. He was stronger now, at least that's what he told himself, he wouldn't let Lukas walk all over him again. Nobody put Philip in the corner. Instead Philip held a sense of pride within himself, even smirking slightly as he traded the cake for a tip and turned to head silently toward the door. Maybe Philip kind of hoped that Lukas would chase him, as he faltered at the door pretending to forget whether it were push or pull, but Lukas never appeared at his side and Philip was soon driving, the store disappearing into the distance behind him.

 

 

* * * * * * * * *

"That's the thing, he didn't say anything. I don't want to hear it James, I don't care anymore," Philip explains, closing the bedroom door behind him as he makes his way to his bed. His old room hadn't changed much, the walls were still plastered with the same posters and most of his old photographs were still hanging on the far wall. He sometimes couldn't believe how far he'd come, seeing that he'd hung images that were often out of focus, or blurred from motion. They still held a special place in his heart, even if looking at them for too long tended to cause a pain in his chest that was untenable. 

"But you do care, Philip. I know you and you can put on a brave face but this bothers you," James responds and Philip heaves a heavy knowing sigh, because though he tries his hardest to deny it, he knows that James is right. Typically James is always right. Though things were still somewhat rocky, Philip wasn't really sure what he'd do without the sparkling pearls of wisdom that James would offer up, how he would always offer a objective view on whatever dilemma Philip was battling with. "I think you should talk to him, even if it leads to you never talking again. Wouldn't it just be better to hear him out?"

That was one thing that had changed majorly since their fight, James had come around to the idea of Lukas being around. He understood that while Philip had lied about their history, there was nothing going on - at least, not when he was awake - and that Philip could be trusted. Philip just wouldn't admit that he, on occasion, was still subject to the odd x-rated dream that left him waking in cold sweats, from both the realization it was Lukas he was dreaming about and also that he was left with a little problem. It was like he was a teenager again and he hated it, truly. "I want to say that you're right but this is what Lukas does, he apologises and then he leaves. Or he does something stupid to mess it all up, it's the way he's always been."

"I don't think he meant to mess it up and look at how much stronger we are now," James replies and Philip has to close his eyes tight to try and will the guilty screams in his head to stop. Really, he wants to believe that he and James are stronger, that they're destined to be together forever and deep down he does but there's still that small part of him, or rather growing part of him, that has to fight the way his heart jumps or his stomach flips whenever he merely thinks about Lukas. "Just talk to him, I know you and I know you always see the best in people. I'm sure you can still see the best in Lukas."

The hard part of hearing that, is that Philip can definitely still see the best in Lukas. Can still see the good times that they've shared and the heart of gold, that same heart that had opened up to him and accepted him in, treating him like he was king of the world and worth so much more. Philip wanted that Lukas back, he didn't want the Lukas that came and went out of his life like he meant nothing, he was just scared of what it would mean if he stayed. Philip was quick to change the conversation then, wanting to save face with James and pretend like everything else was okay - they talked of the party and how Gabe had loved the cake Helen had picked out and customized for him. He had been so enticed in the rudimentary conversation of their day that Philip hadn't even heard knocks on the door, nor had he heard Helen yelling, there had been no indication of a visitor until Helen's head was peering around the edge of the door and waving at him.

 

"I gotta go, Helen needs me. I'll talk to you tomorrow? Okay.. yeah.. I love you," Philip says as he ends the call, Lukas right behind the door hearing every word. It's the first time that he's heard Philip say I love you to someone else and honestly? It feels like a thousand knives have been thrown at his chest and suddenly he can't breathe, it shouldn't be James that he says that too, it should be him. And Lukas briskly considers turning and walking away, leaving the house, jumping on his bike and riding back to the cabin where he can beat himself up for being so stupid to think that he could make things up to Philip, or that there was still even a shadow of a chance that Philip still loved him in some way. But he doesn't, he's too frozen solid and soon enough Helen is ushering Lukas inside, his footing faltering causing him to trip and almost fall flat on his face in the bedroom where he'd spent countless nights, wrapped up in the other, discussing their future like they were destined for forever. 

Seeing Philip sitting there stone faced, unable to look at him doesn't help. He hasn't seen that, in this room, since Philip's mother died, when he was too broken up to leave the house, let alone his room, and Lukas hates that there's a high possibility that he's the cause of this. Especially when he's so used to walking into the room to find a beautiful smile waiting for him, to find the room lit up and warm and Philip's arms ready to take him in and Lukas instinctively closes in on himself, wrapping his arms around his own shoulders as if trying to replicate the memory in his head. It's not the same without Philip, it'll never be the same without Philip. Lukas would have simply stayed there, holding himself - looking positively strange to any onlookers, especially Philip, if the other didn't know how awkward he could be when he was upset - but then Philip's voice arose, uttering one cold emotionless word: "Talk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well hello, it's been a while. my mental health kind of went a little bit to shit, so i needed to take a break from everything. 
> 
> i'm not sure if anyone still cares about this ship but, i'm here and i'm still writing so, hopefully you like this update and it makes up for all the time i've been gone!!!


	8. 07

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both boys are there in silence, neither one saying anything or wanting to tread the line that could make it happen again, both of them thinking that maybe Lukas apologising was not the best thing that could have happened to them.

"Dude, this is awesome. I didn't even know you still did video," Lukas praises, hovering over Phillip's left shoulder with a bright smile. He's amazed, really, at how far Philip has come. How he turned his hobby for photography and the favour he did filming Lukas' jumps into an actual career. Philip had always been talented, naturally so, Lukas kind of envied the way he was able to take anything and turn it into something magical. He recalled the way Philip turned a drab old thrift store denim jacket into a work of fucking art and how happy he'd been to see the final result, Lukas barely ever took the damn thing off. He still had it and wore it on occasion, even though it had begun to wear with holes and a few of the patches were beginning to peel. He'd never seen Philip as much in his element as he had when he was in front of a camera, however and it made him smile to think he'd started out with just a phone, filming on a tiny screen and now the world was his oyster and he finally had all the equipment he needed to capture it. 

"I still need to colour grade it and render it but as soon as that's done, you can use it," Philip explained, though it fell on deaf ears. Lukas didn't understand any of it, he just knew that the video looked cool and it was probably the best video he'd ever have on his channel. It had been baron as of late, he no longer filmed his practices - he couldn't give away his tricks to the competition after all and as a professional rider that was a damn career ender. However, he was able to re-do a previous competition run to post and that's exactly what he'd done, with Philip there to capture it all. He must have done the run through around six times in order for Philip to get all the angles and shots that he needed and though it had seemed tedious to repeat it at the time, seeing the near final product made it all worth it. 

"You're amazing, I always knew you were gonna kill it with the camera stuff," Lukas admitted, finding it easy now to compliment Philip. It helped that they were technically working and he was mostly complimenting his work, rather than Philip himself, he knew better than to comment on how happy Philip seemed when he was filming or how beautiful he looked when he was happy because Philip was still engaged and Lukas was still just the ex that almost ruined everything. Their talk had managed to, luckily, smooth everything over. Philip understood Lukas' reluctance to meet with him if it would cause problems between him and his fiance because deep down, as much as Lukas wished he was in that position, he just wanted Philip to be happy, even if that meant being happy with another man.

It was hard though, when Philip looked up at him with big dewey eyes and a soft, proud look on his face. A small smirk tugged at the corners of Philip's mouth and Lukas had to catch his breath as he noted how close their faces were to one another. "You really like it?" Philip asked in a whisper, seemingly he'd come to notice how close they were too - mere inches from one another, a predicament they'd been in many times before in the past and one that usually resulted in a closure of the gap between them and lips locking like puzzle pieces, hands gripping fabric with white knuckles like it was the last time they'd ever kiss one another and god, did Philip want one last kiss. 

Lukas swallowed down the lump in his throat and Philip caught the way his adams apple bobbed against his skin, how it dipped underneath leaving a small curve that Philip knew his lips fit right into and he recalled the many marks he had left there in years past. But he couldn't think like that and he willed himself not to, he really did, despite how his heart thudded against his rib cage and how the sweat began to roll down the back of his neck while he tried desperately to remember how to breathe. "Y-yeah, everything you do is incredible," Lukas comments, his voice a little shaky and Philip knows that tone, he knows it's usually followed by Lukas unable to control himself, or his hands and it ends with Philip naked and writhing and desperate for Lukas to finish him off. And suddenly they're closer, Philip feels the cold brush of Lukas' nose against his, he hears the others breath and feels it against his lips and Philip is sure his heart fucking stops in his chest. He wants it, he wants the pressure of Lukas' lips on his so bad but in the back of his mind he can hear a voice, it's familiar and distant but it's there and as Lukas' fingers begin to trail up his arm to his shoulder he hears it louder. James. James in the back of his mind shouting 'I love you, I miss you' and instantly Philip pulls away.

"I should finish this, it's getting late. Helen will be thinking I got kidnapped again," Philip mutters awkwardly, his attention turning to the laptop in front of him, his hands shaking and palms clammy. Philip feels weak, like Lukas has drawn all of his energy out of his body and all he did was be close and Philip finds it frightening how Lukas has this innate ability to completely ruin in him without even doing anything at all, even after all this time. The blonde feels the same way, even if Philip doesn't realize it. Lukas hasn't even really moved, stuck frozen almost as if Philip's breath against his skin was enough to turn him into a statue like something right out of a mythical movie. Honestly, Lukas wouldn't be surprised if Philip was some ethereal being because he's almost certain that no human being has the ability to shake another right to their core the way Philip just did to him. Then both boys are there in silence, neither one saying anything or wanting to tread the line that could make it happen again, both of them thinking that maybe Lukas apologising was not the best thing that could have happened to them.

  
*****  


_"I thought he knew," Lukas mutters, head in his hands. He's sitting perched on the edge of Philip's old bed, the same bed that they'd spent countless nights on together, wrapped up in one another. Lukas thought he'd taken it all for granted, being so comfortable on there, spending whole weekends curled in comforters with his hand on Philip's waist, whispering 'I love you's' to each other between chaste kisses. It's all just memories now, it all means nothing to Philip now, he thinks. "I'm sorry, I didn't know he didn't know and I didn't want to be the one that ruined everything for you, not again."_

_"What are you talking about?" Philip asks, he hasn't stopped staring at Lukas since he'd entered the room. He'd not often seen Lukas so vulnerable, in fact, the last time he had seen Lukas so defeated and upset was when Ryan Kane was still alive and a threat to them both. Philip could play mad, he could pretend that he didn't care all he wanted but truth be told, he was never really mad at Lukas and of course he cared, more than he ever wanted to admit to even himself._

_"You can't say that I wasn't at the root of a lot of bad things that happened, for you or between us. Ryan, the way people treated you at school, what I did when I got the sponsorship and then I nearly break up something great for you," Lukas explains and Philip's heart stings. Something great, a trivial term really when he thought about it because Lukas was his something great, was until Lukas decided that a sponsorship was more important. Yeah, James was great too, he was the new something great but he'd started out as a friendly distraction, a way to will away nightmares, and it just turned into something more. Lukas was never a distraction, Lukas was that beacon that Philip was drawn to - like a moth attracted to light, he knew Lukas was bad for him at the time, but love brought him back every time. He was starting to think it was all just repeating itself again._

_"I should have told him," Philip says simply because he knows he should have, he shouldn't have hid the fact that Lukas was an ex, he shouldn't have spent the years he was with James only referring to Lukas as an old friend from High School. He hadn't garnered the importance of divulging that information because he'd never thought he'd see Lukas again and yet there he was, messy blonde hair and gangly limbs that Philip remembered fondly being tangled with his own. "That was on me, not you. That still doesn't explain why you ditched on me, why you disappeared."_

_That was something Lukas couldn't really explain, not because he didn't know how but because it would only cause more problems. He couldn't tell Philip that the reason he'd left, disappeared, was because he knew being in New York would be a constant reminder of everything that wasn't his. Philip had found a home in someone else and Lukas would be left unable to find a way to fill that void, especially not in a place he wasn't so fond of without Philip right by his side. "I'd already caused enough problems, I didn't want to cause any more. So I came back to Tivoli, decided to focus on riding and getting ready for the next competition. I'm sorry I didn't text you or answer your calls, or even explain it. I just figured you'd be better off if I wasn't around."_

_"Lukas," Philip spoke softly, moving from where he sat - knees pulled to his chest and back against the headboard - shifting down the bed until he was sat at Lukas' side. Philip hates seeing Lukas like this, so broken down and the worst part is, he no longer knows how to fix it. He can't just curl into bed with the other anymore, he can't hold him until all the poisonous thoughts have seeped out of him, all Philip can do is press a hand over Lukas' and offer a smile. "I'm glad you came back into my life, I want you to stick around."_

_Maybe it's dangerous to admit that, maybe the fluttering in Philip's stomach is something, anything other than butterflies telling him how he truly feels. At that moment, all Philip can think of is how dull and dark his life was when Lukas wasn't in it, how long it took him to pull himself back together. The blonde had always been a huge part of his life and to imagine having to live without him being a part of it again was just - it wasn't something that Philip could do._

  
*****  


There's a fire that burns, his skin tingling under the touch. A familiar hand cupping his jaw, thumb fanning out over his cheekbone. Philip looks up through long eyelashes, eyes casting their gaze over the tall sinewy figure standing above him and attempting to pull him to his feet. He obliges to the small tugs, his knees week as he gets up from the chair and allows a hand to find the side of the man in front of him. "Please, Lukas," Philip whispers and the blonde smiles, closed mouth and lips curled, he fucking smiles and Philip completely melts. That smile had always been so beautiful, no matter how big or small, no matter what it conveyed, Philip loved it and the way it shaped Lukas' features.

Lukas doesn't hesitate, pushing his hand a little further back until the dip between his thumb and forefinger is settled beneath the others ear, fingers curling into the brown locks of the others hair as he pulls Philip in. They're inches from one another again, their lips ghosting over one another's but never closing the gap. "Are you sure?" Lukas asks softly, the caring nature tying a knot in Philip's stomach and tightening his chest, he's sure his heart is about to fucking explode with adoration but he wills himself to stay collected, to stay calm. Philip can only nod, swallowing down the lump in his throat as Lukas leans in those extra few inches to press their lips together. Lukas is sweaty from riding, Philip can feel it on his upper lip but overall Lukas tastes sweet, like he's been eating from sugar packets and Philip lets his eyes flutter closed to enjoy it.

A feeling of hunger, of urgency, washes over Philip as he moves onto his tiptoes, his hands moving to Lukas' back to grip his riding jersey so tightly in his fingers. Like Lukas will surely disappear if he doesn't. He can't fathom that this is something that's really happening, that Lukas' tongue is flicking at his lower lip in a silent request for access and how Philip opens up willingly, letting the other explore and taste and savour every last second of the kiss. It's damn near perfect, Philip feels warm and content and so fucking in love and he wants to believe that this is all he needs but there's a ringing in the background that shields that train of thought. It's quiet at first, a small annoyance at best but as it grows louder Philip can't escape it and soon it's so loud it's all he can think of and Lukas fades from his grasp like he was never there in the first place and Philip is springing up suddenly out of a dream, all heavy pants and beads of sweat rolling down his skin. It was all a dream.

Philip clambers for the phone, ripping it from the cord where it had been charging all night and groans as he answers. "What?" He snaps, clearly irritated to be woken from his slumber and clearly embarrassed to find a problem in his pyjama pants, one that is not helped even remotely by the all too cheery and familiar voice on the other end of the line. 

"Morning to you too sunshine," Lukas laughs, it's light and breathy and Philip can only imagine what Lukas looks like right then, head tilted back with a hand on his chest while he chuckles and Philip is sure he feels a twitching beneath the fabric of his pj's and god he's fucked, he's so fucked. "I just wanted to ask if you'd maybe want to come to my competition tomorrow? I'm not even sure when you're leaving but I got you like this all access pass thing, so you can bring your camera too if you want. It'd be cool if you could come cheer me on like old times."

Old times, Lukas says and Philip fights the urge to roll his eyes. Old times, Lukas would be here to help Philip with his problem, old times Philip wouldn't wake up wracked with guilt because he'd had some sort of fucked up intimate dream about his ex rather than his fiance. Old times, Philip would go home with Lukas after a competition and their night would end with them both naked, satisfied and blissfully in love. This wasn't old times anymore, this was now and Philip knew, as he thought about it, that he really shouldn't go to the competition but something in him, like some sort of primal urge, was winning out. "Sure, yeah. I'll be there."

  
***** 

  
Philip had been surprised at how smoothly the conversation with James had gone about staying an extra day in Tivoli. He had been honest, finding that being less so last time hadn't worked out in his favour and James, weirdly, had encouraged Philip to attend the competition. Philip supposed it could be some kind of closure, hopefully a way to put to rest everything he'd felt about Lukas and maybe the dreams of kissing him, touching him, loving him with every fibre of his being would stop. Because he didn't want this, Philip wasn't unfaithful or the kind of person who would ever think about cheating being a possibility, which was what made the dreams, the urges, so damn concerning. 

He had pushed them to the back of his mind for the day, having even invited Gabe and Helen along to the competition to see Lukas perform. Or ride, or whatever it was you called it, Philip wasn't entirely sure. Luckily he'd brought his camera along, assuming that it would help keep his mind focused, able to think more about capturing something good for a client as opposed to just watching Lukas do his thing and admiring how he looked while he did that thing. Philip shook his head and adjusted his settings to the natural light of the day, it was somewhat dull out - overcast mostly - but the sun did threaten to peek out at times and Philip didn't need frames to be overexposed when that happened. Once he was happy, he brought the camera up and headed for the starting line. There Lukas was, getting a talk from his coach, his hair styled for the day and looking not like Lukas at all. Philip decided then that he preferred the messy bedhead look that Lukas tended to sport on a daily basis.

 "Lukas!" He calls as he approaches, attempting to get his attention early so that he doesn't interrupt the pep talk directly. He smiles when Lukas looks up and waves him over and Philip watches as the blonde fist bumps his coach, in true Lukas fashion. "You ready?" Philip asks, nudging the others elbow with his own, eyes casting up to Lukas' features. He looks confident, sure of himself, like he's never been more at home than he is on that bike. It makes him happy, Philip thinks back to when he stopped riding for a while, when Ryan shot him while riding mid-jump and how the site of his bike scared him for a while. He'd turned it around, he'd made his dream come true and honestly, Philip was so proud of Lukas for that. 

"Yeah, I'm ready now that you're here," Lukas replies and Philip has to fight the heat that threatens to rise in his cheeks, turning them a hot pink colour. He passes it off to blame the cold, the nip in the air that came with the brash change of winter to spring. It was so strange, Philip couldn't understand the way Tivoli changed him. As if crossing from the city to the country transported him back in time, how he suddenly felt like he was in high school and Lukas was his everything all over again. Philip couldn't help but wonder if there was ever a time that Lukas stopped being so, even when his heart had moved on and was being shared with someone else, Philip recalled his inability to shake Lukas from his mind, unable to help but wonder how he was doing or what he was doing or if he was happy. Lukas was, he supposed, in a way anyone could be when the love of his life was standing by his side to support him, even though his heart ached with the knowledge that this was all it was - support. This wasn't his boyfriend coming to cheer him on out of love, it was just someone showing support and adding a client to his ever expanding roster.

Lukas fitted his helmet onto his head and strapped it, allowing the cheers of the crowd, the music and the loud booming voice of an adjudicator over a tannoy overload his thoughts and drown out anything to do with Philip. He had to focus as he revved up the motorcycle, dirt and debris spraying up from the sides as his front wheel span in place. And Lukas stood for a moment attempting to convince himself that this was his happy place, this was his home, his haven, not the arms of a boy who didn't love him anymore, not the comfort of soft lips pressed against his own. Lukas channeled it, all the anger and the hurt, he used it in every jump and every trick only the way. Philip moved fast to keep up, capturing every flip, every kick of Lukas' legs, every ounce of his talent on film because Philip would be damned if he said he wouldn't be able to believe what he'd seen if he wasn't able to watch it back. 

  
*********

  
As a competitor, a motocross rider, Lukas was a triumph. He was the king of the world but it wasn't enough. Lukas didn't want the spray of champagne, or the podium stance, he didn't need to be validated by anyone as to how good of a rider he was, he knew that already. He should have been happy standing as a champion, a winner, he should have been thrilled to talk to people about his win and what motivated him but it wasn't enough. Lukas knows that at the end of the day, he'll return to an empty cabin with his trophy, filled with nothing but the memories of the only person he ever loved. How tomorrow Philip will be gone, back to New York and that when Lukas eventually followed, he'd be faced with the harsh reality that James was very much still in the picture and always would be. 

While Lukas should be overjoyed with a win, he felt defeated. It was a constant battle of wanting Philip in his life but in doing so, facing the agonising reality that the other was no longer his. Not that he was a possession to be kept, he wasn't. Lukas meant his in the way that Philip gave his heart to him and now it was in the hands of someone else. And as much as Lukas liked to pretend that it didn't bother him, it crushed him. He was reminded of the competition days, before the acclaim, when his first port of call as he got off that bike was to kiss Philip, a silent thank you for all the help, the motivation, the support. He couldn't do that now and the pat on the back he received from the other only succeeded in crushing his heart just that little more.

Hours later, when Lukas is sitting with the ringing of crowds cheering in his ears, he looks to the photos that he has pinned above his bed for some kind of hope, a resolution or simply just a light in the dark. Lukas feels like he's grasping at nothing because really he is, he's alone in the cabin that started it all for the pair but Philip isn't there any longer and even though Lukas is drawn back there every time, allowed to live there, he can't help but notice how it stings to move into the kitchenette and see the couch bed they'd first kissed on. Lukas is almost glad to hear a knock on the door, something to break his train of thought, to stop him being so fucking selfish for a while. At least, he's glad until he see's who's on the other side.

"Philip?" Lukas asks as he opens the door, the creak of it almost drowning out his own words. He watches as the brunette drags a hand through his hair and Lukas chews his lower lip, wondering how his own fingers would feel in it now that the others hair is longer, thicker than it was back then. "What are you doing here?" He adds, figuring that the goodbye they'd shared at the track would be all they'd share until Lukas finally decided to drag his ass back to the city. Yet there Philip was, wrapped in a leather jacket and offering up a USB in an open hand.

"I wanted to give you this, it's the footage from today. Just in case you wanted to get it up before you come back to New York," Philip explains and Lukas can't help but think that Philip could have emailed to him easily but instead he's there, sucking his lower lip into his mouth looking almost nervous and it's almost as if it's some sort of sick sign. Why would Philip show up just to give him a USB? All Lukas wants to believe is that Philip is there because he wants to be, not because he had to deliver something and he tries so hard not to think too much into it, tries not to let himself believe that maybe Philip wants him too but before he even has a chance to tell himself that it's all in his head, he's leaning forward out of the doorframe and pressing their lips together.

As if it's pulled right from his dream, there's Lukas' hand on his face and the sweat on his upper lip and Philip's hands instinctively move to the others back to grab his jersey as he melts into the kiss. Lukas is stunned to find Philip is kissing him back, sure it's all teeth and tongue and it's desperate, from the years of longing for each other but always being right out of reach. The months of dancing around each other, of wanting one another and never saying anything had all come to a head and Philip can't help but think that Lukas' apology was total bullshit because if he didn't want to ruin anything he wouldn't be kissing him with everything in him. Philip realizes if he didn't want Lukas to ruin it, he wouldn't be kissing back either. Maybe, the more Philip thinks about it, consumed by the way his heart feels as Lukas gently tugs at his lower lip, there was nothing to ruin afterall because Philip knows deep down that he was always Lukas' and he probably always would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this makes up for the time I've been gone and my sheer lack of inspiration until now. It isn't over either, I believe there's still a good few chapters, with plenty of angst left in it. Love you guys.


	9. 08

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They'd laid flush against the soft cushions and when it was over, just stared adoringly - stealing glances, stealing peppered kisses against cheeks and foreheads and not really saying anything. But they didn't need to, being together in each others arms, after so long, it was enough.

Philip couldn't bring himself to go home, not yet. The city was buzzing with rush hour traffic and the way his thoughts crowded his head mirrored it near perfectly. See, Philip wasn't sure he could play pretend; he wasn't sure he could kiss James in the same way ever again or say I love you with the same conviction. Not now. The entire drive back, Philip had been tormented by every hypothetical scenario that involved going back to the apartment he shared with his fiance. The same apartment that just didn't feel like home anymore. Maybe it would, when he stepped through the door and was greeted by the bright beautiful smile of the man he'd planned to marry, maybe it offer some sense of clarity and everything else would fall away. The guilt included, especially the guilt. It was a fruitless endeavour to hope that the guilt would go and deep down Philip knew that, it was something that would gnaw at his insides or rot his heart until it was black and empty not worth the love anyone had to give him.

So, Philip had decided that it was best, instead, to find his way to an old meeting spot to where he would discover Noah there waiting for him. All it had taken was a quick phone call and Philip had been relieved to have some kind of company that wasn't the thoughts swimming around in his mind. Their last bar visit had been when James and Philip weren't talking, when James had given him an ultimatum about seeing Lukas again and the more he thought about it, now whilst sitting with the guilt of kissing Lukas, maybe James was right. James who was too good and too kind and everything that Philip should be completely and utterly in love with, James who's heart was two sizes too big in comparison to the shrivelled hollow shell within Philip's own chest. James deserved better and Philip knew it, he just hated to admit it.

Really, Philip had fully expected Noah to agree with him on that but he hadn't expected that it would sting so much to hear his old friend tell him just how much of an idiot he was. "James is such a good guy, I know I told you to get closure but I didn't think that meant you would _kiss_ Lukas to close that chapter. What the hell were you thinking?" Noah asked, clearly he's confused and maybe even a little irritated and it's understandable. Noah had been there on countless nights to deal with the nightmares, to pick up the pieces when Lukas would call drunk and remind him that they were no longer together. He'd seen the fallout from the breakup of a relationship Philip was sure would last forever and now, well, he was going right back to the guy who had hurt him so much all those years ago.

"First of all, he kissed me. I just didn't stop him," Philip huffed, like it made it any better. The point was, Philip still kissed back, he still held onto Lukas for dear life and wished like hell that time would just freeze so that they wouldn't have to worry about anything but each other anymore. "I didn't want it to happen, I didn't ask for it or expect it. It just happened, Noah."

"You're terrible at explaining yourself, you know that?" Noah asks, offering up a sigh and Philip can't tell if it's one of disappointed or of something else. He hopes it isn't the first, he can't stand to have anyone disappointed in him. "Look, maybe I kind of knew something like this would happen. It doesn't make it right, hell I'm still on team James here, but I had a feeling you'd go back to him." It was Philip's turn to sigh then, could he really be so predictable? Was his life destined to be a endless carousel that always brought him back round to Lukas? Was he simply bound to mess up every relationship he had until he finally let his heart win by letting Lukas back into it again?

"I love him," Philip says quietly and there's a rush of heat in his chest suddenly, the blood pumping faster to match the speed of his heartbeat. He's relieved to finally say it, to lay out what he's sure everyone already knows out on the table but he's also terrified. Terrified because it's so absolute and it means that his whole life is about to be flipped on it's head and he's had everything so put together, that he's not sure how to handle such a huge shift. "I... love James, I do. He's great but he's not Lukas, I've always loved Lukas and I can't stop."

"Are you gonna tell James?" Noah asks and it's probably the most devastating thing he could have ever been asked, it's crushing like Noah has just dropped a ton of bricks on top of him and he can't breathe suddenly. He can't speak, he can't will his brain to string together a coherent phrase. In the back of his head there's a voice, it's his own and it's loud and damning and Philip hates how right his own subconscious is. Because he knows he needs to tell James everything, he _owes_ it to him to be honest and Philip will, he's just not sure when. He's not sure he's ready to watch his entire life, everything that he'd known for the past few years, be thrown into turmoil. What will he do with nowhere to go? Where will he live? How will he handle living in the same city, attending the same events as James?

Philip knows there's no way that James will forgive him, if his ultimatum was anything to go on this was everything that James was fearful of. And Philip was selfish to think of himself and what he'd do when James inevitably kicked him out over James' feelings but Philip was just _terrified_. It's not as if he can live with Lukas, not right away, Philip doesn't want to do that. He wants the chase, he wants Lukas turning up just because he missed him armed with kisses and a fucking promise, that nothing from before would ever happen again. Until then everything, including whether or not Philip would come clean, was uncertain.

*************

_A heavy sense of guilt settled into Lukas' stomach, it was mixed with butterflies and a tight feeling in his chest that told him his heart was about to burst. Lukas was staring, eyes boring into the side of Philip's face and he can't help but notice how fucking beautiful Philip looks under the shallow light of the moon and how he's bathed in the cast of shadows, defining his cheek bones and the sharp line of his jaw. The same jaw that Lukas suddenly has an urge to press kisses to and he does, when he swallows down his pride and he could swear that he can hear Philip smile. If that was possible but the more he thinks about it, anything is possible with Philip._

_They're back where it all began, on the couch beneath the window. He supposes it is big enough to be a bed but it serves more as a window nook, a perfect place to sit and read or look back on memories and consider all the what if's. Something Lukas doesn't have to worry about for the time being because Philip is there and he's holding his hand and everything feels right. Suddenly Tivoli feels more like home than it ever had in years._

_Philip's thumb is drawing small circles against the back of Lukas' hand and it tickles and it's magical, as every circle connects he feels a tingle shoot through him straight to his heart. Like Philip is unknowingly cranking up the speed of his heartbeat to a point where Lukas feels like he can't breathe, to where he can hear it in his ears. Then Philip is lifting his hand to press a gentle kiss against his knuckles, lips brushing each one as if to give them all equal attention. It's such a small gesture but it's just one of those things that Lukas had remembered loving so dearly about Philip - it was always the little touches that got him the most._

_It's not like anything really happened. Yes, they'd kissed and it had become vehemently clear to both of them - without ever really having to say it - that they still loved each other. They'd found themselves backing blindly into the cabin, allowing Lukas' muscle memory to guide them to the couch where they'd shared their first kiss all those years ago, and Philip had continues to hold onto Lukas like this was all a dream and he was trying to anchor himself to it. They'd laid flush against the soft cushions and when it was over, just stared adoringly - stealing glances, stealing peppered kisses against cheeks and foreheads and not really saying anything. But they didn't need to, being together in each others arms, after so long, it was enough._

_"I only came here to see you, I just needed an excuse to do it," Philip admits quietly, breaking through the silence. Lukas smiles because he knows it already, it's why he'd kissed Philip in the first place. No care at the time for the fact Philip had a fiance, or the fact he had a whole other life outside of Tivoli because when they were here, when they were home, it was only ever about the two of them. Lukas liked it that way. "Is that ridiculous?"_

_"It's not ridiculous," Lukas counters, he's whispering and he can't help but smirk at the fact they'd never really shaken that habit. That when they were together they'd whisper, that despite being alone, if they spoke any louder the whole world would hear something that was really only meant for them. Philip finally turns his head then, catching his gaze with Lukas' and Lukas' breath catches in his throat, having caught the way Philip's eyes fucking sparkle. "You're so beautiful."_

_Where's the harm in being honest? Lukas had already taken the plunge and kissed Philip, letting him know in words couldn't hurt right? It doesn't seem to, as Philip smiles with closed mouth and it's lovely, god it's so lovely to make Philip smile again. And if it wasn't so dark, Lukas may have noticed the way Philip's cheeks had darkened from the compliment, rosy and hot. "I never stopped loving you," Philip admits suddenly, so quiet Lukas barely catches it but as the words register his heart is racing. His body is warm and it's everything he needed to hear but never expected to. Philip loves him, Philip Shea fucking loves Lukas Waldenbeck and it was the most elating feeling in the entire world._

_"Me either," Lukas says softly because it's all he can comprehend at that moment, all he can muster to say. Because then Philip's nose is brushing against his and god all Lukas wants to do is kiss him, he can't think of anything else other than loving Philip and being loved by Philip and how that, at least for now, is all that matters. It's enough and Lukas doesn't allow himself to wonder what will happen when Philip goes back to the city, not when Philip's lips are pressed to his own with all the passion and adoration he can muster._

*************

The apartment is too quiet when Philip finally returns, it's late he thinks as he steps into the stream of light pouring in from the hall and feels against the wall for the light switch. James isn't home and Philip is almost relieved. It struck him then how much had changed since Lukas had walked back into his life; Philip used to hate coming home to an empty apartment, too dark too quiet and a way for the poisonous thoughts in his head to consume him. Now as he walks in and chucks his bag down by the door, he feels a weight fall off of him and he sort of feels like maybe things will be okay. That he can get through this.

Philip allows himself to, for once, enjoy the lull of an empty apartment even if it's simply the calm before the storm. At the moment he feels composed and his heart is full, because for the first time since he'd left Tivoli he'd admitted to someone else that he was still in love with Lukas. It was almost as if the action cemented it as a reality, made it less of a possibility and allowed it become a dead certainty. His phone buzzes in his pocket then and Philip pulls it out with ease, moving fluidly through the apartment. He feels like he's floating when he see's Lukas' name pop up, like he's back in high school again and falling in love with the blonde for the first time. 

 **To Philip:**  
I miss you.

Philip shouldn't feel so elated to receive that text, to have his heart rate increase at the simplest of phrases but it does and he is. He's stuck in the middle of an impossible situation because he does love James and yes, he had fallen in love with him it just - it wasn't the same anymore. Philip had felt that deep down before Lukas had walked back into his life and he supposed he'd been silently searching for some sort of sign that would signify what his heart really wanted for a long time and now he finally had it he didn't know what to do with it. Philip really wanted Lukas, god did he want to fall into the arms of the blonde who had swept him off of his feet one too many times in the past. He wanted the warm embrace of familiar arms, he wanted the laughter when Lukas picked the absolute worst time to say 'savage' after sex.

Chuckling at the memory, Philip set his phone down for the time being and made his way into the bathroom. He would make Lukas wait, hell he'd waited four years to hear anything from Lukas he was sure the other could wait twenty minutes for a reply while he showered. Lukas could sweat it out while Philip contemplated what to say in return. Undressed and hot water running, Philip stepped under the hot spray. It's soothing and Philip feels the tension in his shoulder lessen as the water ripples over his skin and down his back. He thinks for a while, about everything, about the last few months, about the dreams about how it all culminated in a need to see Lukas and a kiss that rekindled the flame in his heart that was only ever for Lukas.

He closes his eyes tight and for a moment he can almost feel Lukas' hands on his arms, can feel the soft feathery touch of his lips ghosting against his jaw. Philip fucking whimpers at the memory, his mind drawn into a dizzy tailspin of desperate need. So quickly his mind goes from the innocence of a peck against a cheek to the fervour of a deep kiss and the intensity that came with scrambling desperately to get one another's clothes off. Philip thinks of the smoothness of Lukas' bare chest, how much paler it is in comparison to his own. He thinks of the first night he had visited Lukas' apartment and how the loose shirt he'd worn had allowed the fabric room to bunch up in his armpits, showing the definition of muscled biceps and Philip can only think of them flexed as Lukas holds tightly to his hips. 

Without even realizing Philip's hand is right there, fingers tapping against his hip bone and edging further in. He pants, his arousal evident as he peels and eye to look down. He shouldn't, he knows he shouldn't be in his shower thinking about what it would be like to have Lukas between his legs, rocking him into an abyss of blissful pleasure but Philip can't even bring himself to will the images away. He sucks his lower lip into his mouth and after a moment of careful contemplation, finally just lets go. Eyes closing once more, Philip gives into the dark desire and something about Lukas seeming forbidden to him, while he's engaged, only serves to arouse him more as he rocks into his fist.

*************

When Philip steps out of the shower and into a haze of steam, he's satisfied. He'd managed to keep quiet, keeping his reactions to mere whimpers. There was lip biting to stifle the rest, the type of lip biting that would leave his lower lip slightly red and swollen for a day or two and Philip would use the excuse that he was nervous, stressed about driving. Not jerking off in the shower to the thought of his ex. Quickly he dried himself off and pulled on some clean clothes, a loose t-shirt of his own and a pair of sweatpants would do for lazing around the apartment for the night. Philip had no intentions of leaving and honestly, he didn't have much intention of talking to James about what happened either. Not now, not right away, not when he was riding the high of an orgasm. 

That was when the guilt set in, when he realized that he'd done all of this - keeping quiet and biting his lip - to keep James from finding out it was about Lukas. He knew there was a possibility his fiance could have come home at any point and the thought of that didn't even stop him, if anything it made Philip want to do it more. This wasn't who he was, he wasn't a cheat - he never had been and the idea of it was one that sickened him. There it was, right on cue, that stomach churning sensation that rocked him off kilter and made his knees weak and not in a good way.

It feels worse, more potent and threatening when he steps out of the bathroom and finds James sitting perched on the edge of their bed. There's a pensive expression painted on his features and Philip can't tell if it's one of sadness or not. His head is slightly bowed, looking down at the phone in his hands. The screen is dark but James is quick to light it up again, pressing his thumb against the home button. As he does so, Philip's heart drops and he feels as though time completely freezes. He wants to run when he see's the name, even upside down it's unmistakeable that this is his phone that James is holding and that's Lukas' name lit up on the front. Lukas had texted him again and Philip isn't sure what it says, not yet but he doesn't feel like he needs to. He already senses the tension rise, so thick and confining. 

"What's this?" James asks, voice wavering - broken down and almost childlike. It breaks Philip's heart right there. He takes a step forward and James stops him, lifting a hand as if to keep him at bay and Philip hates this. He hates that James suddenly hates him, not that he doesn't deserve it. James simply holds the phone into view, the screen still lit with the text that reads; 'I can't wait to kiss you again' and Philip curses Lukas' inability to be fucking subtle when he needs to be. It hurts, stings deep in Philip's chest like daggers are being pressed slowly and carefully into his heart. That slow agonizing pain is what he deserves, after all he did go against everything he believed and kissed someone that wasn't his fiance. That same someone that James wasn't totally fond of.

This is it, Philip thought. There was no way he could lie or play it off as anything else, he'd fucked up that was simple and now James had an idea. Philip bowed his own head then as he considered how exactly to approach it, how to let James know gently that he'd kissed another man. That he'd kissed Lukas. Philip now had very little time to both explain himself and brace himself for the inevitable fallout, had to brace himself for the goodbye. "We need to talk."


End file.
